Worries of the Single Mother

Every Mother I know can relate to the words I say single mom or not.

But the worries of the Single Mother are what if something happens to you? You are all they got. Hopefully some though do have supportive families and lucky for them if they do. My health seem to not be great and that's my biggest worry. Its just me here. What happens if I collapse god forbid. I really having a hard time getting him to understand things. I know he is only four but that's been a concern to his teachers too. When they ask him to do something. This is so tough and I'm at my wits ends. Mommy has good days and bad days,and today is a bad day and my body is hurting.I can't play with him 24/7. I am not his giant human toy. He has to understand mommy has to do other things. I feel I failed and I've spoiled him to be ungrateful little jerk. Then again It could of been what he picked up from the other kids and how they are with their parents or that the kids had parents that are not as involved as I am. I don't want to think my child is a the spawn of Satan. Maybe I have reached eureka and this is it. Thing is how do I get my child to be himself and not be what he sees and thinks he should be. He is only 4 and we wonder does he understand? Either way gotta keep on truckin till this truck can run no more.

School is out...NOOOOOO!!

Last day of pre-k was yesterday. Oh joy! I am not sure what to do with him this summer and I'm going to miss my little mommy quite time. It was not much, but its amazing how much stuff you can get done without and adorable little boy not following you around the house like a permanent shadow. We are currently working on patience and having to wait for things he wants. Which mostly is mommy. I try to play with him as much as can but there are time when mommy can't play. It's just me here, but this does not mean mommy does not love him any less. Mommy just has things to do to make sure we are all happy, like cook yummy food in our bellies, Clean our clothes, clean house. Well sometimes the parting from mommy is too much and he offers to help me in the choirs. I take advantage of this quickly cause soon moody teenage years will be here and it wont be this way for long. I fear the teenage years I really do. Your kids change totally. I've seen it , it's not pretty.

Another thing we are learning is that school is out for summer. He likes school and does not quite understand. Typical mommy stuff but add on top of the the grown-up stuff that he doesn't know about, the struggle to keep us alive and happy. I try to shield it from him but he a very intuitive boy. He knows when I am sad and he comes over and just hugs me. I fight back breaking down in tears. This boy is hugging me! I'm the mommy! I got to be strong but sometimes I am not. My little boy then hugs me and tell me it's okay mommy. I did not want my son to have to deal with that. I try to keep strong. I know I am doing good when his teacher asks if he is ever sad cause he is the happiest little boy they have ever seen. He is always smiling.

IN that I know he is alright.

Kids are germy and oh yeah Insomnia

Kids are germy.

My little one had touch of a cold past couple of days. It started Thursday night with a tight coughing and lot of crying for he did not want to take the honey to help his cough. (its honey its sweet and yummy! I don't get it. He likes his liquid Tylenol better than honey!) I finally stuffed some in him and his cough was quite the rest of the night yet I could not sleep for I was worried about him, angry cause all I wanted was him to get better and he is four I know he doesn't comprehend but man its draining trying to get medicine down a child throat! I think I was the same though, now I'm getting pay back! I was also checking on him even though he was so mad at me earlier he wanted to kill me for making him take the honey. Luckily no school on Friday for he was not feeling and the nose running started and more coughing and I'm trying to keep things sanitary and not fairing so well so I just gave up and made just made hand washing as much as possible. For sometimes you can not go wash your hands after you help blow your little one's nose when he is cuddling with you and does not want you to move, and you exhausted as well. He even took a nap so I knew he was not feeling well and I took nap too. Thursday night was rough on the both of us I think. Saturday he is feeling better still a cough but he's better oh boy is he better. Sunday he back normal! AHHHHH!

INSOMNIA.
Some how insomnia has now stricken me in dealing with my sick child. I just can not rest. When I sleep its a light sleep and I wake up feeling like I didn't sleep at all. So I'm tired its no biggie it comes with being a mom, but then not being able to regenerate at night and sleep its taking its toll I'm cranky and irritable the sound of my child's happy voice is like nails on chalk board. The normal stuff that I don't normally snap on are now snap inducing and I snap and all he did was want to hug and play with me. Lack of sleep making it hard to focus and I'm trying to clean house and do laundry and my son want to play with me or he has to tell me something and its about nothing really or just that he loves me and loves his aunt and uncle. I drink coffee to stay awake get energy and then of course cant sleep when its time I'm on a vicious cycle and I just want to cry. I'm alone and I have no help, or should I say no one wanting to help.
Sometimes you just want someone to physically hold you, support you, and say its gonna be all right. It's all Ive have ever wanted I never got it.

One of the things I didn't know about Motherhood...

One of the things I didn't know about Motherhood is you lose braincells and become space head mommy. I swear after having my child I have gotten dumber yet I know the words to the theme song to Spongebob Squarepants!

My son goes to speech therapy on Thursdays its just an hour and I usually bring my ipod and a book and wait till his session is up. I had no more books to read so I was reduced to reading their lovely magazines. I picked up one of them a parenting magazines to read which I normally despise. At some points they are hard to relate to. I'm not one of them PTO moms that seem to be the norm in those magazines. Most have a partner which most of the women feel don't do their share so at times I feel I am better of being single cause the ones that are married seem miserable and then men in their lives are only good for income and giving them more babies. This is my crude assessment of reading parenting magazines. I wonder why I am reading these parenting magazines. It's tough being a parent in the first place. It's tougher when you have to do it alone. Yet I am kind of happy and I take that challenge.
Yet then again I wonder what do I tell him when he gets older and asks about a Father.
I shall cross that bridge when I come to it.

Not Guilty!

At times I wish I could say the infamous line "Go ask your Father."
Well I am Mother and Father so there is no escape for me and it's so unfair.
These are trying times, and I feel my child has such a loser Mother. To the world I'm a single jobless Mother. What a shame, what a pity, she not even trying, a disgrace to her child by not doing right by him! Those words and thoughts hurt my soul to the core. I can not escape them though I know I should not listen to them. I know the inside they only see they outside of it. To be honest it's none of their business for its my life MY failure I can not learn if I don't break a few bones. Sad thing I did learn is I can not lie but telling the truth only hurts you in the end.

Money is tight though how long will I last? End of the month is tough, food supply is low. Child wants me to order pizza (He call it pizza guy), he wants McDonald's. I say no I don't got pizza guy money and if I did even he does not need pizza he needs to eat variety cause the boy all he wants is junk food and that's not happening so then why should I feel guilty because I can't order pizza or take him to McDonald's? WHEN he really doesn't need it in the first place and only as a treat once a month do we get those.AND WE GOT FOOD! SO HUMPH! Not guilty!

Different types of Single Mom's

The word Single Mother seems still a bit taboo in this day and age. It's still looked down upon, but not all cases should be as such. There are many ways a woman can be a single mom. She can be widowed or divorced so it's not the typical out she got knocked up and the man abandoned her. Single motherhood can also be just a choice. No matter what the type though it seems we still get looked at with pity. Most might be oblivious to this fact, but I'm ever aware of it, though it can possibly be the stressed out mind of over thinking. Either way can't shake the feeling that they do and that makes me sad. I'm not some pitiful thing.

Yes though it is hard with some days better than most.
Yes there are days I wish to just run away.
Yes I wonder everyday if I'm doing right by my little boy.

Then I see he has grown an inch each day. I see him smile and play. I see him run to me giving me hug and kisses. At night as he falls to sleep I hear him whisper I love you mommy.
THAT is all I need to know I am doing the right thing.

First Blog Post

I write this as my little one is climbing around me. What a bright Idea to create a blog at 5:45pm and near dinner time. This is my blog of the trials and tribulations of motherhood and I'm doing it alone like millions of other single moms. I'm not alone out there yet I do feel along in this journey. Its something I wanted though. I sometimes wonder if I was crazy. No my child is not a oops or an accident. Though not really planned either just something wishful and I got my wish. I am doing this alone though. Not what I hoped for but here I am.

How's that for an opening