Single Motherhood (Musing of a Single Mom)

Teacher + Parent = Child Success

2012-01-27T14:57:00.005-06:00

Have you heard the saying it takes a village to raise a child? I never knew that saying was so true until today. Maybe the saying should be it takes a parent and a good teacher to lead to your child's success. While we may have the no child left behind act my son could of still fallen between the cracks if I wasn't such an annoying parent I think. But my son does have speech, and learning disability so when asking him how his day went its kind of confusing. So it made sense that I want to know everyday how his was? Right? I would of seriously done that, but I didn't...well I tried not to. I didn't want to come off too OCP that stands for Obsessive Compulsive Parenting.

My boy now is in first grade, and at progress report/report card time last year it was not good. If he didn't improve in second quarter he probably would not pass 1st grade. My heart sank and I felt I failed him. The school can only do so much. I need to work with him at home too, and I got a cold reminder of this. I knew this and I slacked on my parental duties. No way was I going to let my son fall behind. I was not going to yell at him either, or ground him.We were in this together. His biggest worry was Reading at the time or progress report/ report card last year he was way way below his level. He also would throw tantrums at the sight of a book like it was his kryptonite. I devised a reading method where got him books I knew he could read which were his kindergarten books. He would read two of those so he was feeling pretty confident. I'd then sneak in a harder book. I did this till we are now reading full bigger books. I am now proud to say as of current in the latest progress report my son is now reading at first grade level. Could even be the best reader at the end of the school year out of the whole class. "Seriously?" My son beams with pride. I just can not believe it. To me this shows that it take both a parent and a teacher to teach our children how to truly soar in education.

*** Parenting Confession*** To be honest there have been times where I just didn't want to practice writing, or reading with my son. I just did not want to put up with the rebel. It be a lot easier to just let him watch TV. Could not do that though we had to conquer the reading beast! Oh while he is doing so good in school still does not stop him from being grounded when you do wrong so mama says!

How Single Motherhood Going so Far

2011-10-25T10:04:00.004-05:00

Motherhood is an amazing experience and you never stop learning. You never become a pro at for at every age you encounter new experiences, new obstacles. It doesn't matter if you have done it all before for every little human life is different and filled with new surprises. Our children come from us but they are NOT us. They are not our clones they are their own individual with hopes dreams and ideas all their own. SO how is being a Single Mother so far? Being a single mom has kind of lost all meaning. It is all just about being a new mom. I am still a new mom for every age comes with new challenges and experiences. My little individual is now in first grade, and he is soon going to be 7 years old. I stop and take a look outside myself to see this person that has sprang from me. I just can not believe it! This little boy came from me I made him! I nurtured him inside me for 9 months. There are days I love him to bits, and then there are days where he challenges me oh so much and I wonder what I was thinking! Then as I tuck him into bed and he says. "Mom I love you." I am then reminded perhaps that is why. I wanted someone to grow and take care of. Leave legacy of me perhaps.

As Summer Comes to and End

2011-08-03T15:07:00.004-05:00

Ahh summer vacation is coming to and end and school will be starting again. Been awhile since I blogged. The summer has be non-eventful really. Though we did get to go out of town to the lake. I am not sure why I did not enroll him into some summer fun activity because its been a VERY LOOOONG summer. I thought me, and my son could have a nice family summer together. Things never work out like you planned in your head do they? Still the lowly single mom writer that I am(that's me!) we have no Internet at home anymore so I go to the local coffee shop everyday to get my work orders and business been busy, and slow then busy again. Why did I not enroll him in some summer camp I do not know. My son is a people person unlike me. As my Mother once said I am like Greta Garbo with "I vant to be alone." The boy is an only child you's think he'd be used to this by now, but he is not.

He is a child who would do well with many siblings. He has even asked for a sibling. While other kids may be fine with just them and their parent(s) but then Mom goes and ruins it all by having another kid making them feel left out. I think my own brother was that way, but I digress am a tired mom who can not wait for school to start again.

Okay with Single Motherhood

2011-04-29T09:16:00.002-05:00

After weeks of rain the sun has come out today, and as I got my son ready for school for some odd reason I reflected my on my life a bit as the morning sun streamed through the windows of our home. I am okay with single motherhood. It's like second nature to me. My mom was a single mother, my sister was a single mother too till she found her husband. Now I am a single mom, and I really can not image my life any different. I did for awhile hope to find love again. I did dream about getting married maybe someday. I guess there still is that little hope in me, but to be honest I am kind of fine if I never do. After so many attempts of trying to "date again" It is really stressful, and I got a happy level of stress in my life right now so I do not want to add more. Me and Zachery are doing just fine just me and him. At this point I am not sure another person in our lives will be a good thing. Zachery is happy with just him and Mom. For a male presence he has forever his beloved uncle who gives him money when he does good in school, and he has his cousin Mark who wrestles with him(much to mom's distress). He has got the balance that he needs.

Zachery has also stopped asking me to find a husband too so he can have a daddy. I think he now knows now what it entails, and he does not want to share mom. He does not even like when they family cat crawls up on my lap! When I was growing up I did not have a Father really either. He did pop in and out which probably has impacted me, and made me the neurotic person I am today. I really did not have a male figure really in my life like my son does, though I did have an older brother. We were apparently close too. In fact his name was my first word. Our closeness was when I baby and very young. He was much older so I was still young when he moved out out to have his own life. So I am okay with single Motherhood, and even though I feel alone in certain areas of this life I do still have my family by my side. Even though they do not see the world as I see it we do agree on the love and raising of this little boy that I have been blessed with. To my Lord I say thank you.

Hearing Your Child Read for the First Time

2011-01-22T14:08:00.005-06:00

I wondered if I was the only mother ever to get teary-eyed when hearing her child read for the first time? Will any other mothers confess? Either way I did, and I feel a bit dorky that I did. I thought I could blame the hormones but the calendar was proof hormones did not play a factor. I guess I'm just an over emotional mom great!

Nothing I should be ashamed of though, and it really was just a mother being proud of hearing her child read for the first time. A mother's recognition that her child is growing up, a mother being proud that he has accomplished so much. Little Z does have some learning delays so hearing him read was really amazing. He is has improved so much since he started at the beginning of the year. I know he is going to have some struggles maybe forever or perhaps he will overcome it all. I am just so proud of him. He has really beaten the odds, and It really is the school and parents working together that can make sure our children succeed in life and be ready for the world.

My Son Lost His First Tooth!

2010-12-13T19:48:00.003-06:00

Everyone celebrate my son finally lost his first tooth! I do admit I did get a little teary-eyed cause well hes my baby! As a mom I felt proud my son lost his first tooth! Plus the tooth came out OUR way. Auntie grumbled at us that the tooth should of come out sooner,and my son should of played with the tooth and kept wiggling it to make it come out. He is 6 years old and a loose tooth is the farest thing from his mind at the moment especially it being it the holiday season. Also we upset Auntie cause I did not apply a good enough explaination of if I was going to do the tooth fairy or not. Of course I was but my lack of again proper response made her blow up for I was apparently not going to be doing it right. Still no matter what we did it OUR way. And Yes Zachery will wake up having been visited by the toothfairy there was no doubt in that.

Get Ready for the Dysfunctional Holidays!

2010-11-26T08:40:00.003-06:00

This Thanksgiving was the most dysfunctional Thanksgiving ever in the fact that we didn't really have one. Is it sad that I really did not mind? How dysfunctional is that? I'm really not looking forward to Christmas, and if I can possibly have just a little private Christmas with just me and my son that be nice. Is that cold and heartless of me? I do have family. An older sister she the only family member in my life. Our brother is MIA and her and my brother don't get along, and cousins...well they don't call and neither do we. My sister, my nephew, and brother in law are my family(and my son of course). Our Mom is gone and she and my uncle were really the glue that kept this family together. There was such love, yet we were all so messed up because nobody talked about the problems. They were like dirty little secrets that were in our family. It there a reason, or is this just genetic make up? Is this what happens when you have three kids all my different fathers? Is this just a cycle that started with our mother that is never going to end? Family is supposed to be there for you in good and bad, but that doesn't happen all the time. I have made sure to instill in my son that he can come to me no matter what and I will not judge him. Perhaps that is the problem in my family...I do not know. I do not see in myself how others see me. I know I portray myself perhaps as naive and innocent, but I'm really not. It is really hard though to convince your mother and your older sister that their little girl has grown up. For some reason I do not think they want me to fly. Sister dear do you want me to fly? Why do you then clip me with your tight harsh words. You know what our mother did to me. That is why you got out of the house for you knew what our mother was like, yet you didn't warn me what our mother could be like. 8 years I lived with the verbal abuse and controlling and you even contributed Mom always was protecting me from you. What is the secret I do not know? Why do you all feel that I cannot fly? I often wondered if you hated me. I often wonder how do you truly see me?

I worked hard in trying to heal and get over what my mother did to me. I seriously did not know how to function in society my mother has sheltered me and protected me from it all. At 25 I was like the mindset of a 18 year old...hell maybe 16 year old. I was lucky though to have some sort of eerie old world wisdom to me that I should not of had, but I did. I was doing well until I lost my job then it all went to hell. I was paying all our utilities plus a rent fee you could say. So my sister had it pretty good. I paid for hers and my electric and water and garbage. Now I am jobless and she is having to do this all on her own now. While it seems that it's kind of fair play I mean I took care of the bills for how long, and now little sister is down-in-out it seems all good, but it is not fair for she does have the whole mortgage to pay now. There is so many hidden reason as to why this is. It is both my fault as much as hers. I was weak and let her words hurt me, and she saw I was weak and used those words to hurt me. Instead of working together we worked against each other. Oh we tried to work together but we are just so opposite that it just does not work. I do not understand how her mind works, and she does not understand how my mind works. Plus the way my mind works seems to totally piss her off. I am trying to do things my way though, yet I guess I still have this innocent naivety in me that posses people to think I cannot function on my own. I'm though tired of trying to be controlled and told how I should do it, and even where I should work. That worked out soooo well at my last job I worked at which I was told I should apply to though I was TOTALLY unqualified for, and lied a bit to get it. That was one of the reasons I was on the layoff list is because 1. I sucked at it, and 2. My chronic back issue came into play. Our course to sister dear thinks I'm just being lazy and I need to go get a job. How does she know this? Is she in my body? Yes she is one tough cookie with an apparent high pain threshold, well good for her. Still she is not in my body so how does she know my pain is nothing and I'm lazy? She constantly tells me I'm lazy and worthless so I'm just being as she tells me I guess. Mom did a bit of the same thing to the point I got brainwashed and believed it. I thought I got past all that, but when she started throwing that all back at me I regressed, I freaked. Now I am what is being said about me and I do not want to be and I know I am not. Instead of yelling at me why not talk to me ask me what is wrong with your back lets look up some doctors that you can go to to figure out what the heck is wrong. I mean come on sister you know mother coddled me to no end and yes I am a bit simple when it comes to the outside world and how to do things. So you like to think yourself superior and better than me and you like that I apparently NEED you and I cannot leave without you. So help me get better or do you LIKE that I need you? Could you handle a world without your little sister?

My sister threaten to get my blog and comment that I'm full of crap about being a single mom and all alone. She wanted props for helping since I've been jobless, and yes she has helped and does not let me forget it. Well I have done an unmentionable for her, yet I do not ask for a single thing from her. I could hold this over her head and blackmail her, and ruin her. She was family so I did it and I do not expect any praise, nor do I expect anything in return. She apparently does want credit and props cause she is just awesome constantly putting me down, yet then being so great by buying my son things that he needs a cause I can not. I'm tired of the silence, but I'm not sure I can express it cause no one like to face the truth. My truth is probably all wrong and I'm still a whiny little snob, and we still got Christmas to survive again in hurtful words and silence.

Happiest Day of my Life My Son Was Born This Day!

2010-11-23T12:08:00.003-06:00

On November 23rd 2004 after 15 hours of labor my son Zachery William Prince Cramlett was born. After looking at my life of 35 years so far this was truly the happiest day of my life. For those who read this Zachery was a blessing not an oops. Single motherhood I chose on my own. Some days I wonder why though, and then there are some days I am reminded aha that is why. Right now I'm having one of the those wonders why moments as we come down from the birthday high, and my daily dose of I'm a worthless loser mother. No this is not pity its desperate plea to understand where this all went wrong.

Yes thanks for all the love and support to my precious family out there. I thank you mom for sheltering me from the cold cruel world to where I can not now function in today's society. I thank you for trying to mold me to think, breath, and be you and lose all sense of myself. I thank you sister dear for seeing this weakness in me and starting to trash me again and to pick up where our beloved mother left off to try and control me into what you thought I should do. No matter what I say my words will never reach you. I am alone in this because I can never speak the truth of my heart because it does not want to be heard and dealt with. I am sorry now Zachery I let you into this crazy world. I thank you though for choosing me to be your mommy. I know I'm a good mommy to you, for you are totally happy and such a sweet little boy. It will be okay though and I shall just brush this off as another bad day.

Somethings a Mother Never Sacrfices

2010-11-05T11:22:00.006-05:00

As parents we sacrifice a lot, yet there is one thing we do not. That is the happiness and welfare of our children. That is one thing I will not sacrifice. I will not endure if it causes risk to my son's well being and happiness. Another side will say, well all have to do things we don't want to do all for the sake of whatever and that I am denying my child. I do not think that is true and I will not sacrifice my child's well being and happiness just to be able to buy him more toys. He has plenty and his well being and happiness will reward him better in the long run than that shiny new toy that will break in 10 minuets.

Life of a single mom is always a struggle. I trying to make a go of my own freelance writing business and it is actually going well. Sadly due to it going so well might of lost some clients but hey I can only write so fast and I want them to order on my terms not a third party website that takes 14 days to get my funds, but I digress. Still this is a slow process and I wonder if it will ever be enough. The holidays are now approaching as well as my son' birthday. Will I be able to have party for him? What about Christmas? Again I'm in a threatening situation will we pull through this year? Still fighting for disability for I will not risk my son's happiness by risking my health to try and work. Last time I tried I just did some volunteer work and stressed my back. I was in pain for two weeks, yet I still had to be super mom and it took its toll which caused me to lash out at my son. He drew of picture of mommy yelling at him and that is where I stopped. This is what it will be like if I try to go out and work. Is that the kind of life I want my child to have his mother always yelling at him with horrible words that she is going to kill him, she wish she never had him. Then cry for she never meant to say those things or yell at him. I do not want that life for my son. A mother never means those words. It was the pain talking...it was the pain. Maybe if she buys him a new video game he will forgive her. I want my child to love me for loving him not cause I can buy him things. I will suceed though in my alternative, I pray and hope.

My Sweetest Little Boy

2010-09-28T20:41:00.004-05:00

Well we are not the richest folks around. In fact to vast majority of the world I really am not employed but I am. I get to work at home as a freelance writer. People with familiar with freelance writing know the pay kind of sucks. My son has a piggy bank and he saves his money and he does things to earn money as well. They say it's never too young to teach the young ones the value of the dollar. With money tight the end of the month can be a real struggle. My son though saves the day offering to use his money to buy us food. The boy has really developed a love of food. I think it's due to our always near starvation at the end of the month. Either way he is the sweetest little boy who offers to use his money to help buy us food till we get our food at the first of the month. This makes a mothers heart touched yet sadden that we barely survive, but we do. Only God knows why that we do.

I Believe Baby Boys are Born Brilliant Then Get Dumber Over Time

2010-09-19T10:45:00.003-05:00

This is my theory. Boys are born brilliant then get dumber as they get older I swear this to be true at least in my family that is. I watched it happen to my nephew and I now see it in my son. In truth really its just a part of growing up and its hard growing up. We all know this we have all been there. I have not forgotten either in hopes that I can help my son adjusted to and feel compassion to what he is going through. To think when I was his age, not think with my adult mind for the adult mine does not get it nor really have compassion.

My son is 5 and in kindergarten and Independence is a big thing at this age. While he want to be a big boy now he still sometimes acts like he is 3 but thing is he was SOOOO MUCH well better behaved at 3 than he is at 5. What is up with that? He was much better behaved at 3 than he is at 5 its like he got dumbed down or something for he does know better. I sometimes wish he was THREE again! Or even two! Can there be terrible five's? As at wits ending as this can get it is pretty normal and all a part of growing up and finding out who he is. So I take a breath and have patience as I try to help him along and be there when ever he needs me.

School Is Now In Session

2010-08-28T21:02:00.003-05:00

It is back to school now. We survived the first three days and it went okay...well sort of. He wanted to go in by himself and be a big boy. Something told me though to follow and I did and he had walked right past his class room. I called him and luckily got him to his classroom save. That so did not help the already nervousness I had. I did not cry though I did not cry. I have realized though nowthat I need to stock up on some snack for the child is near starvation when he gets off of school. Okay when is the boy not acting like he is near starvation I do not know. After the first day of school which was only half a day I had asked my son, " So how was school what you learn?"

His reply was, "Tomorrow is Cheeseburgers!" Out of all that was said they boy remembered what was going to be for lunch the next day! * shakes head* The boy loves his food. I see not basketball, or football like everyone else in the family wants him to be and sees him being, but I see chef in the future! For he just loves his food and to hang out in the kitchen with me while I cook.

It is all so strange though and surreal. My boy is in kindergarten and going to my old school I went to when I was a young. It hits you once again how much your sweet child has grown. In fact I think my son towers over all the kindergartens in his class actually. Wow does that bring back memories of always being the tall one. I really hate when people go wow he is so big or so tall when I say his age and that he is only 5. At least he is not chubby like I was. He is slender so he is big as in tall. I just think my city is filled with short people.

Ready for School to Start? Yes and No....

2010-08-08T12:01:00.003-05:00

It is August and the summer is slowly coming to an end as School is to start up again...when I do not know and I should look into it but I have not yet. While I am of course eager for school to start again I am not. This year we start a new school. I know my son is nervous and so am I actually! It might sound strange but hey I take my parenting seriously and I'm in charge of protecting this little life. Kids are not just something you pop out and then its like La la la whatever. I am a parent involved in my son's life and I hope that is respected. Sometimes I feel I fail though but I try my hardest to do my best as a mom.

Why The Worry?

I am not sure why I am worried though, but maybe its I'm picking up on my son's worries. I made sure to keep fresh in his mind about starting a new school in helps in preparing him. I have noticed he is not one for change. He liked his old school and his teachers and friend, and he did not want a new ones. We talked and hope that I helped him understand that change is a part of life and to think of it as a new adventure and to meet new people. I am sure he will do fine though for he is a people person and loves people. He shall charm his new classmates in no time. Even the boy that did not like my son at first in preschool became his buddy in the end. Things will different though as no longer will he take the school bus. We are only a few blocks from the school so it's not that far. Which I like and do not like. While I missed taking and pick him up from school last year I did kind of like it too. I got an a few extra hours of time to myself which was nice. Was great when I was deathly sick and did not have to get in the car and drive. This year also though I believe is an all day kindergarten so that is definitely going to be a big change. He is used to coming home around 10 and 11am and then having lunch with mommy. I also am not looking forward to the early morning rises. What I love about my son is if you keep him up and extra hour you get an extra hour sleep in the morning which Mommy LIKE!

Well lets not worry and enjoy what little time left we have of the summer.

Breaking Down Momma

2010-06-21T16:04:00.003-05:00

This would not be so bad if an innocent life was not caught in the middle. I confess I made a mess of my life all due to pride. I thought I was tough, I thought I could do it all on my own. Everyone was right I can not and I failed on epic propositions. If I had swallowed my pride sooner and asked for the help that I needed I would not be in this mess. All because I thought I could do this and I could do that. I did do what I had set out to do but sadly it was not enough. It could be enough but time waits for no one. I did finally give in though and applied for social security. Due to my back issues It has really impacted my life, which has lead to other things that totally has me in a messed up state. I love my son dearly but he is starting to seem like a devil to me as I try to explain that mommy back hurts her today. All I did was clean the house I am not sure really what cause it aside from I bended over a lot while cleaning and that is what caused the back pain. I was laid up for couple of days and it was a struggle to even wipe my own ass. I cried my eyes out foolishly as I finally gave in and dialed Social Security. I got told I was not alone and they had a lot of cases like mine. I guess I am not the only prideful person to not want to admit the are disabled.

I Try and Try

I tried and tried though. I knew I could not go back to the type of work I did before not even a desk job. I will never forget when my back issues first arrived I was working at a desk job. It was why I was one of the three chosen cause I had to take constant breaks my work slacked and I had missed a lot of work too. So logical choice when laying off people. I had decided though to get into writing again and be a writer once again. Building my writing empire has not been easy. I have come a long way and I am really working as a freelance writer. I work hard and I work for peanuts for what I get paid hardly cuts its. I just started though so I am hopeful to build myself up to be where I can be okay. Again though time does not stop to let you catch up and neither do the bills.

If Only

If only I has applied for Social Security sooner maybe things would be okay. Maybe we would not be in this mess. I have dragged and innocent 5 year old down with me all due to stupid pride. He is 5 he does not understand how poor and pathetic we are. I want to say I am so sorry Zachery I feel I failed you as a mommy. Just cause Mommy thought she could do it all by herself, all because she did not need anyone help. Now look at us. I'm going to probably lose Internet and any income that was coming in. Yes there is possibly the Library but I'm in a bad back pain spell so I'm really do not want to go anywhere cause I hurt so much. Will I be able to write with a 5 year old prancing about? What will I owe if I finally have to ask for help? No one gives without wanting something in return not even family.

That is the Life of this single mom

Sickly Start of the Summer

2010-06-05T12:58:00.002-05:00

So far the Summer has been sickly. My son was not effected so much he had but some sniffles.When the kid coughs and sneezes in your face though you know your are doomed. The scratchy thoat was a sign. I had just gotten reover a bad case of Strep throat too. We made through the Memorial day parade but then after that was down hill for Mommy. I caught the dreaded sniffles which I think now turned into a sinus infection so Mommy is REALLY sick. Sadden that our family plans have been thwarted due to mommy being sick I happen to of made ammend with him by letting him eat ice cream and cookies for breakfast lunch and dinner cause I am too sick to cook and I really do not care and my voice is gone so I can not even yell to protest!

Still Gotta Work

One of the joys of being a freelance writer is getting to work at home. Even though I am sick I still can work. I probably should not of , but well when this is your source of income it makes it quite impossible. No writing equals no money so I still worked and being that I could work from home it really was not that awful. I was able to stay in bed and still work typing away at my assigments sipping my oragane juice and blowing my nose without contaminating the whole office. With the good comes with the bad though as I have my son who does not quite understand mommy is sick and in thinking mommy is sick she is a bit off her game and that he can get away with stuff. Sadly he learned even though mommy is sick she still sees all.

Graduating Pre-k! Next Kindergarten!

2010-05-27T08:50:00.003-05:00

Yes school is out for summer! Today is the last day for preschoolers here. I am really going to miss his school. They were the most wonderful educators and they actually listened to my concerns no matter how big or small. Next school year shall be kindergarten. I am nervous and I of course I know my son is too. I told him Mommy is worried and scared too but we will face it together. I am very proud of him and cannot believe my boy is growing up so fast. Watching him I am just amazed he came from me that I brought him into this world. I dreamed of him and now here he is.

Summer and Working at Home

I now need to find something for him to do over the summer. Not only for my sanity but for his too I think. I am not really sure how I'm going balance him home all day and still trying to work. Work has picked up in the writing business and my son is not liking the increased workload. I have been writing since he has been born so he is used to this so I am not sure I guess it just hit him suddenly that he does not approve. I try to tell him Mommy is getting paid and we need money to buy things....but he still does not approve. We have a very nice routine actually. When he is off to school I get some work in then he is home and we have lunch and spend some time together talking bout school. Then usually at 1 or 2pm I go back to work. I am always available though if he needs me and I am usually done by 4 or 5pm in which I make dinner and we have family time the rest of the night till bedtime. I do workout though around 6pm and he does not like that either and told me he does not care if mommy is fat. Gotta love kids!

Working at Home Mom Not as Cool as You Thought

2010-05-14T14:27:00.005-05:00

I think every mothers ideal job would be to be able to work at home and still take care of the kids, I know I did. Well I got my wish and I now realize its not so cool...especially if you get sick.

My son seems to be going through something and I am at total loss in what to do. It really is upsetting when you see your child suffer and you do not know how to help them. While all the while your falling apart your self. In these bad economic times there is stress and fractures in the family for kids do not totally comprehend things are different now due to a parent losing a job. I have I thought shielded my son from all that, but this time I do not think I have. My unemployment is totally gone so things are really tight. While I try to not show it I think I do and my son picks up on the stress and worry and thus act out. Or maybe he is just going through a phase I am not sure. He is just is not my same Zachery. He is good at school and that is a good thing but at home he is a hellion. I am a writer in case you have not noticed so my job is writing and it has now suddenly picked up and keeping me very busy. Well suddenly this does not bode well with my son. He want to play and mommy can not play. He knows our life routine and I play with him in the evening we have our time together. He also has been whining a lot, having tantrums for he does not get his way. Add on top of this I am sick as well not sure what the heck is wrong with me and I'm on so many medications It's hard to keep them straight and like two of them make your drowsy and so I am just walking through life like I am in a haze. I want to cry but tears won't come. I want to kill but my heart loves too much. I have kept being mom and working totally ignoring my health.

Sometimes Kids Know Best

Last night my son said Mommy no computer for I usually do some work while I sit by him and he goes to sleep. I agreed with him and we actually both fell asleep together. He went to sleep happily I could tell for he was all snuggled against me when I woke up realizing I had fallen asleep. Was that what the whole behavior outbursts are about? Could it be he acted our cause he could not play with mommy? Was he bored and wanted a playmate to play with? Well he is an only child and he needs to get used to it. Not matter what though at the end of the day Love always seem to find a way back.

Mother's Day 2010 Single Mom Style

2010-05-10T09:16:00.003-05:00

A Mother's work is never done as I cleaned house. We clean every Sunday...well mostly. My son picks up his toys and then I vacuum. Sounds nice right? Well there is usually crying and some yelling but it does get done. Yesterday my Mother's day started out nice. I got to sleep in a bit and my son sweetly planted a kiss on my cheek and said Happy Mommy's Day. Sundays as I have said we clean house and I had wanted to for the house was messy long enough. Being that it's mommy's day could my son be good and help me clean house and pick up his toys? The answer was no and I so did not want to fight so I just cleaned up everything myself while my son played PlayStation2. I also have been a bit under the weather fighting a sore throat, allergies, but I did managed to have some fun with my son. We had went outside for a bit came in had lunch then played PlayStation 2 together. My son then mostly hung out with his aunt upstairs. A bit sadden yes, though this left me to have some TV time. I got to watch something other than Spongebob Squarepants. I also got to play some PlayStation2 myself but gods that game was stressful! We had a nicer evening after the argument of getting out of the shower now! We watched Good Luck Charlie on the Disney channel which my son adores and has been dying to see. After that it was bed time. I am very lucky for my son likes bed time for he is pooped at the end of the day and is more than happy to go to bed. I thanked him for a wonderful Mommy's day. He then asked, "Mommy's day is over?" I said, "Yes Zachery Mommy's day is over. Even though Mommy's day is a special day for mommy's we should always be good to our Mom's." My son replies, "I love you." I say, "I love you too Zachery."

Family Resemblance

2010-05-03T15:11:00.003-05:00

My son wanted to play with my camera the other day so I decided to let him with my help of course as we took pictures of different things...well mostly him being silly. If I tried to take a picture of anything other than him though he would jump in the way and say CHEEESE!! Apparently he is to be my only object beauty. I took an awesome up close picture of him and in looking at it I finally saw what everyone else had said. He does look like me!!!! To prove this more I took a picture of myself and compared the two and was just stunned. He is totally my son! Like there was any doubt though I endured 15 hours of labor you bet your sweet bippy he is mine. What I mean is though he is I really do not see any resemblance to his "sperm donor" I refuse to say father for he was not I think my biological clock took over my body and thought this man was the best to breed with. I knew Id have beautiful children when I saw the man and he was way younger too so like seriously was there any hope? He wanted a mommy replacement too I think but I am not still bitter nooooo.

For your enjoyment here are the pictures can you see the family resemblance?

The Joys of Teaching Sharing

2010-04-28T15:39:00.008-05:00

My son is five....is this still the right age to toally not understand sharing. I would think he would understand the concept by now. They talk about in school and I have not gotten any complaints that he is not getting it. At home we talk about sharing and I always show by example and share my things with him. I have seen him be nice and share in public with others. Perhaps this is a phase he is going through I do not know. We are in some hard times, but I try to make sure he is happy and does not know. Perhaps he knows more than I think. I have been a bit high strung and stressed not feeling well so perhaps my Patience is just a bit thin and I'm getting more irritated easier for I'm in pain all the time. All I can do is continue on telling him its okay to share. What was the drama about and what did he have to share being that he is the only child?

SCOOBY DOO VIDEO GAME!

My sister and her husband have a PlayStation2 and quite a game collection. He sees them and wants to play some of their games. My sister likes the cartoon type games (even though she is a grown woman of 44) and of course they let him play some of their games. I have also started my sons on his own a game collection he loves Scooby and Spongebob so with help of video game store clerk we find the best games for my son to play that contain Scooby and Spongebob. Well now my sister comes and wants to play one of his games. She asks my son can she play and of course he says no, but offers her another game to play just not his Scooby Doo. My sister being the peter pan-tress that she is says, no she wants to play Scooby Doo. All hell breaks loose. I handle this the best I can with not feeling so well. My sister wins of course cause she is the grown up and plus she always has to win or she will throw her own tantrum. How do you deal with an adult who throws tantrums if they do not get their way? Still though my son needs to learn about sharing and we are also working on his tantrums too. Ah the joys of parenting there are some days I wonder why? No one listens to me why do I even bother? BLEH!

The Independence of Zachery

2010-04-19T13:52:00.003-05:00

I have come to a realization my son is at his independent stage. He is five(5) years old so this quite natural for a child to start wanting to do things themselves. As my son want to take charge. I have to now take a step back and let him. This is a strange feeling as his dependence on me is not so much anymore. It is nice yet strange for wow he does not need me that much anymore.

I'm a Big Boy Now

We were off to the supermarket today and I got my son in the booster seat and buckled him up I was about to close the door when he stopped me. "I can do it myself," said my son. Sure enough he closed the car door he also showed me he could open it back up again too. Oh gee am I in trouble. I then go to lock the car door on him for I can just see him trying to open the door while were driving for he thinks its cool now he can open the car door. I then find out he can also unlock the door so I brush my parental nightmare out of my head of my son opening the car door while in traffic and trust he is not that psychotic. We arrive at the store and to my surprise he unbuckled his own seat belt and got out of the car my himself! I was just stunned. While yes this is quite normal its just wow to me that my little baby is growing up and he is getting dependant on his own and I'm just so amazed at him. Yet he still thinks he not big enough to go bring his dishes into the kitchen after dinner though of course.

When being a Single Mom Stands Out

2010-04-09T22:15:00.003-05:00

When being a Single Mom stands out is when things fall apart and it's just me. If I had a husband if one of us failed there would be support of another. If something happens to me it is just me and the only parent my son has even known and the person that he loves and adores that promised to protect him and be there for him who he can go to anytime and they will not judge him could be not the same Mommy as she used to be.

When it Rains it Pours

My fridge is making strange noises, my unemployment is totally gone now, My gas bill is way past due, I have other bills that I share with my sister, but she is not even giving them the time of day, I could have a possible work at home job but I need a computer and now my computer has decided to start messing up on me. How am I to work if I do not have my computer or money to get it fixed? Add onto that crippling back pain I really am having a hard time wondering which end is up.

Disability

I believe I am going to apply for disability again. It is worth a shot and My back is not getting any better and I have these flares up especially if I do past my limit. My back had been doing well and I tend to forget and go beyond my limit and I end up paying for it badly. Who knew shopping could cause me to be laid up and hit with body freezing spams? That is rule number one for me I cannot stand for long periods of time. Nor can I sit for today I was sitting on my bed watching my son play video games and I go to get up at a tearing pain him me. All I did was sit but I sat too long. That is why I have a laptop not a PC because with a laptop I do not have to be still. The most comfortable way for me to type is on my knees I kneel beside my bed with my laptop on my bed and it's perfect with no stress on my back really. Right now I am a bit scared for I have nothing, and I cannot do a normal job. So what am I to do? I am not making this up my back pain is really limiting me. This is where being a Single Mom really stands out.

Blessed Easter

2010-04-05T15:04:00.003-05:00

We had a wonderful Easter here and I am very grateful that I was able to give my son an Easter that I hope he remembers fondly. He had been so excited for "Bunny Day" as he called it.This years theme was SpongeBob Squarepants. I planted the Easter basket outside out front door to make it look like the Easter bunny left it. There was one gift that did not fit in the basket so I said it was from me. He was so excited for it was a play dough set that he had been wanting.

Another exciting thing was we had a Easter egg hunt. I normally do not do this but my sister bought some with toys already inside them for us to do. It was really fun! After the egg hunt I started the Easter lunch. My sister bought a prepare meal already so I cooked that up for she had to go to work that day. We did not like the side dishes that came with the prepared me so I whipped up some of our normal traditional sides we have like scallop Potatoes and a green bean casserole which was a first for me. After the delicious meal we then went outside and worked it off playing bubbles and doing chalk art, then it was inside for dessert time!

I am so blessed to of been able to have a wonderful Easter for my son. I thank you Father for all the you endured to help make it so.

Mama Bear Syndrome

2010-03-31T15:53:00.000-05:00

What is the Mama Bear Syndrome? The Mama Bear Syndome is based on the bears of the wild. A mother bear is very protective of her cubs and will maul anyone limb from limb if someone trys to harm their cubs. I have discovered that this is me as well. Most mother's out there can relate and also have the Mother Bear Syndrome. We love our children dearly and hell hath no fury if someone harms our loved ones most of all our children. I mentioned in my previous entry that my son was sick. I was thinking it was the flu but something stood out to me that it was something more, something ws not right. I listened to that instinct and took my son to the Doctor. Seems he is severely constipated. I guess he is so constipated that what ever he eats comes right back up. He was given some powered laxtitive that is to help. You can put it in water or juice so my son has the best tasting medicine around, yet it is still torture for him to take it. This morning was a bit hard to get him to drink down his juice, so he drank some then drank the rest later.

Mama Bear Mode

I was quite the grizzley person when my son was not doing well. I was quite concerned and worried a bit insanely about what could be wrong with him, what if this medication does not work and he is still no going poo? How is he going to live? Should I send him back to school? I wanted blood from my doctor that he is so greedy to double book two paitents at the same time and we arrived frist and the other lady go to go in right away. I was ticked he just blew this off as constipation when he was vomiting up everytime he eats. Vomiting after eating is not right, and he vomited again that night after we got home after dinner. Is my doctor sure this is just constipation? I tried to call Ask a Nurse, but that feature has been removed over here. To find a site online to ask a Doctor or Nurse online was going to cost me which made growl even more that I could not find any answers to my childs plight, and healthcare was going to need HEALTH CARE once I was done with it. I was seeing red and no one was going to dismiss my child just cause we were on medical card. I got talked down thankfully and he did poo Saturday. Today he is a little stuck and I have been keeping him on smaller portion meals. My son is quite known for his crazy appetite so he now has to eat very small so we do not have the upchuck incident again. That is untill he starts to get his bowels moving again. Still his mighty appetite remains which it is amazing and all I hear is. "MY TUMMY HUNGRY." *face palms*.

Vomit is the Worst

2010-03-23T16:44:00.002-05:00

My little baby boo is sick...at least I think. This kid bounces back so quickly it can make your head spin. Colds never come to fruition (though they do in mommy sadly) and the kid can vomit one minute and then want pizza and macaroni and cheese the next. I do not understand how he can think of food after puking his guts out but that seems to be the case.

Never Getting Past It

When you become a mom nothing phases you anymore. Boogers, snotty noses, bleeding knees, poop diapers, spit up then throw ups...wait yes that still bothers you. I can handle all those other things but vomit it still grosses me out. At least I did not get spewed on this time what a relief!

Still No School

While he is better I can not send him back to school tomorrow. He has to be symptom free for so many hours I have forgotten I think its 48 hours, Last year I learned this for he was sick then I took him to school the next day and got told to go back home with him. It really suck and so people say it babying the kids. For the work world is unforgiving if your are sick and miss work.

But they are also trying to make sure that the spread of sickness is not wide spread when it knocks a whole entire classroom out. Had that happen once when I worked with kid the virus spread like wild fire and each kid was hit . So I don't know either way we got another day at home. My son is sad for he has to miss school. That makes me smile cause when teen years hit that may probably change.

Single Mom and Dreaded "D" Word: DATING!!!!!

2010-03-15T10:13:00.002-05:00

Because I am a single mom does not mean I and dead to the world. Which is what I thought, I thought I was trash used damage goods and I was a mom now and I did not deserve to do anything but be a mom. I had closed myself off for 5 years. I am now healed some what and I am ready to open myself up to possible love again. Thing is how now that I have a child? Today's blog I'm posting links to my latest article that got published of recent on Beyond Jane.com

SINGLE MOTHERHOOD AND DATING PART1http://beyondjane.com/relationships/dating/single-motherhood-and-dating/

PART 2: http://beyondjane.com/family/motherhood/single-motherhood-and-dating-part-two-family/

As I mention in my articles that I do not want my son involved in my dating. I never let the child meet the man if If I happen to get taken out. It really difficult to do though and I just maybe breaking my rule of thumb, but also this man could be someone I want to be in my life and he actually asks how me and my son are doing whenever we talk. Which most guys don't even care to know or respect that fact that I am a mom. Maybe its because I'm an older single mom, but my desperation of having a boyfriend is not my top priority. Yes I would like to date again and have a man, but no man is coming before my child. It will be awhile before I trust him alone with my child. I'm honored and all that you accept me and my son but he is not your responsibility he is mine. We were doing just find before he stepped in. I even kind of don't want a man cause me and my son have such a perfect world and we can be goofy and silly in a pajamas on Saturday mornings. I leave it up to the fates to decide.

Okay Im Selling AVON...HELP ME!

2010-03-02T10:39:00.005-06:00

With the lovely unemployment crisis, that and my health has limits on what I can do I am finding it tough to find work. I am a writer but it's not instant gratification. I have also been doing online surveys and I have made money on that, but as writing it all takes time to build that up. Ive made 15 bucks so far in taking surveys which is not that bad. I have not cashed out yet cause I at least want to make it up to twenty.

AVON Calling

I got a email on a job notice and clicked it on to see it was an advertisement to become an Avon Representative. I pondered this for awhile then decided to give it a go. My mother sold Avon so I am familiar with it. They also have the only product that works on my sensitive skin and does not make me break out. Thing is I do not know that many people and I'm a bit anti social. I don't go out much for some various reasons. A plus side is that you can have your own online store (View mine here www.avonrepresentative.com/jcramlett) and I felt I might have success in that with all my writing connections and friends I have online. So we shall see. A part of me is doubtful and not only do I have to self promote my writing I also have to self promote my selling Avon.

Like Every Other Mom

Like every other mom I want to be a full time mom and I am and I want to keep it like that. Me and my son have this amazing bond. I write during the day and we spend time in the evenings and its just great. I get to work closely with him on his life trying to point the right way. I am a stubborn mom and I refuse to give that up. I fight tooth and nail to get by and do what I love which is write and be a mom to my Zachery.

Will Avon be my key and success? I do not know. All I know is I got faith.

Never Tell A Child Maybe

2010-02-17T11:55:00.009-06:00

I have learned that you never tell a child maybe. Maybe is a death sentence to tears and broken hearts. My Sisters husband has a tendency to tell my son he is going to do something with him then totally forgets he ever promised the boy anything. Of course him and my sister blame the child like he has a devious evil mind. The boy is 5 and while stupid the boy is not there are still some limits to his brain genius. Of course he is going to think you mean now. I am not sure what promise the man made he claims he did not promise he said "Maybe" about taking my son somewhere and then my son comes to me saying he is going out with his uncle like now. So I have to go upstairs ask what going on. This is constant occurrence though that is getting tiresome. The man is known to say fun day things to my son, but never plans on really doing it. He also always says I'm gonna do this, or I will bring you back that and then he forgets. My son did not forget and wonders why his uncle did not bring him back anything like he said he was going to. You do not really have to take child psychology 101 to know the kid is going to remember what you said and expect you to follow through with what you say. It seems children learn disappointment early in age. I know somethings can not be helped and I consider those healthy disappointments it's a part of life and healthy,but when the same person disappoints every time it's a bit heart breaking. You wonder do they care? So thus I learned never tell a child MAybe.

Parent and Child bond and Going Beyond

2010-02-15T16:44:00.006-06:00

The bond between a parent and a child is amazing. Especially a Mother and her offspring. You hear of stories of Mothers like having a sixth sense and knowing something is not right with their child and finding out they were right. They are all interesting stories but you can not truly understand it until your a parent I think the amazing bond two humans can have.

Paranormal bond?

I think perhaps me and my son have a paranormal bond, or maybe its just a parent child bond to the extreme full capacity. The other day I am in the kitchen cooking dinner and I think to myself I better tell my son to pick up his toys for its almost dinner time. I then I hear Mommy mommy and turn and look and there he is. He then tells me, "Mommy I cleaned up my toys." I reply, "Huh? Oh!" I follow him to the bedroom where the toy mess was, and sure enough his toys were picked up. I was like wow I was just going to tell him that. A random coincidence you would say except we had another mind melt moment.

Feelings from afar

Another incident happened was I was out on my birthday. It was really foggy on the way home and I was a bit scared. When I tucked my son into bed when I got home he then woke up asking me if I was scared. I looked at him a bit perplexed, and told him yes but mommy is okay now. How did he know I was scared? I do not think of it as psychic or paranormal it is just the bond and closeness of a Mother and her child.

Consequences of Actions

2010-02-07T14:16:00.003-06:00

Right now I am working with my son to understand consequences of actions. Normally he is a very good boy in school. At home he is different but at least at school he knows to behave. As of late though I have been getting notes mentioning he is not doing his work. He messes around thinking he is cute and totally blow what he is to do off. He does this at home too. I called his teacher for I wanted to know more and wonder why he is acting out. I had some theories of his hanging around his Aunt and Uncle and Cousin had something to do with it for they are not the best role models in my book. I wondered does his personality change after being with them? Was it due to my going out for my birthday? It was like after that everything just went to hell. The teacher thinks that if my son feels he has a hard time doing something then he shuts down and does not want to do it. This could be true, but I am a parent at their wits end.

Punishment

He did get punished for his behavior and he got no treat at the store, lost his PlayStation time too. I also advised his Aunt and Uncle too he gets no treats. They are always stocked with snacks and goodies that his Uncle loves to give him when he is there to visit. My son has a sweet tooth like no get out and wants a dessert after every meal. Trying to teach him that no he does not need a treat after every meal he eats and he need to slow down on his treats consumption, or I give him a healthy alternative like fruits. I have also noticed is I think he does not understand the consequences of actions. He thinks if he bugs the hell out of mama enough I will crack and give in and sometimes I really want to. He really drives you to that point. I wonder does he grasp that if he naughty punishment follows? I think he does but he is just a 5 year old boy testing out his limits once again. Once again today we had the war of the worlds with my son wanting to spend time with his aunt and once again she yelling at him to get away from her. He is just an excited boy that loves and want to spend time with her. Due to her rejection I do swear he does stuff the annoys her on purpose, or maybe she is just an uptight bitch in her older age that does not allow freedom of growth to be a kid anymore. I just wish it to stop as I am tired of being referee of something I do not see as all that horrible. I see no wrong in my son wanting to spend time and cuddle hug with his aunt. She is not that type of person though either which I know all to well from my childhood with her, but my son is and its hard for him to understand. I was like this as well. I did not know that you can't just hug everyone and thus I became seriously shy and kept to myself. Will that become of my son? It may not be so bad if my sister was nicer about it and not yelling like a banshee to him to get out of her sight. He then might understand on the days she does not want to be bothered. Her husband is a bit more easy going and he is not like that with my son really cause he is open and welcome to the love and when Uncle says no my son respects it. Uncle though does have a bad habit of making promises and not following through disappointing a little boys heart. Well for now their is peace.

My Baby Gotta Crush!!

2010-02-02T10:09:00.004-06:00

It is official my son has his first crush!!! I was not sure at first, but once again he commented about her and I'm like awwww!!! My baby has his first crush!!! I know my nephew liked Whitney Houston when he was his age, and I oddly had a crush on John Denver because he was with the Muppet's.Whomever was with the Muppet's was a god to me.

Selena Gomez!

She is my son's first crush. She stars on the Disney Channels Emmy winning show Wizards of Waverly Place. Of course like most Disney channel kids she can sing too and has her own group and album. When ever her video plays (which is constantly) my son comments she is pretty. I then begin to go aww my baby has a crush!! He then denies it saying she is ugly no no no. It is so cute! The video came on again of recent and again he comments to me she is pretty. We watch Wizards of Waverly Place a lot now. Before he really did not care for this show not wanting to watch it. I would say we are watching it for it is a lot better than whatever else he wanted to watch, or it was more tolerable than what he wanted to watch. A woman can only take so much Spongebob Squarepants before she wants to run away screaming. Now when given a choice he goes yeah to Wizards of Waverly Place.

I Approve!

I also approve of his choice in crush as well for she is a cute girl. I just can't get over it my baby got his first crush!!! And there will be more to come oh no...

The effects of Dr. Seuss

2010-01-29T09:33:00.004-06:00

My son is currently on a reading kick. Which I squeal in delight and could not be happier. He has always like to read but now suddenly he is REALLY into it.He wants to read at least one book every night, which I am more that happy to fulfill his little delight. In our book case though is the Dr. Seuss books, and The Bernstein's Bears with Mama and Papa and Brother and Sister too! We have other books but Dr. Seuss seems to be the one and he makes reading lots of fun. We read a book at least one a night, sometimes two and once in awhile it's the same book twice.

What I did not know is there is quite a side effect from reading Dr. Seuss that I did not know of yet. In Being a writer myself I found myself rhyming a lot in spite of myself. I pondered and furrowed wondered what's up. Why was I rhyming so much? It then finally hit me today that in reading Dr. Seuss makes you want to rhythm without reason! Here I'm trying to write and I end up making rhythms which does not help me a lot! So be careful, beware when your read a lot of Dr. Seuss for you'll find yourself rhyming like moose and squirrel. Most of all green eggs and ham...yes I do like them Sam I am.

Sin's of a Mother

2010-01-25T16:19:00.003-06:00

It seems it is a sin to have some adult time and enjoy fellow friends and company. I feel like I'm being punished cause I went out and had some fun. I had not been out in a very long time. I do not want to go out all the time really. I am devoted to being a Mommy. As parents though we sometimes get worn out a bit and it is vital that we have some personal time. So It was my birthday so I went out. I also went out last week end too with a friend for a belated birthday dinner. Wow I went out two weekends in a row! My sister watched my son but I almost did not get to go out. It was like I was prisoner and she was the warren. She then said I should say thank you to her. Well it was night and I focusing to wake my child up cause I cant carry him down the stairs to my place. Plus I really dislike her and want to get away from her as soon as possible. But here its like she demanded a thank you, and that I act like she was just supposed to. If did I would of done what she did to our Mother and just say bye! Then go out every Friday night. I do not recall she ever asked our Mother to babysit, in fact I remember our Mom complaining to me that she gets taken for granted and just assumes our Mother would watch her kid. I did ASK her if she could watch my son. I had to also tell when I was going, who I was with, when I was coming back like I was some teenager. To be honest I don't mind but when its presented with a force of controlling me and being nosey and prying into my life it a bit off putting. I am a very good prisoner though and I do not request to go out every night like she did. She forgets her own wrong doings and is only a saint to herself in her eyes.

Apparently it's a Sin to go out for my child is suddenly being very hard to deal with. Or maybe its just my ear is hurting so my patience level is small. Or maybe he is just being a little bit naughty of late and I wonder is this cause I went out? I know he was a bit upset of me leaving him. He was having Mommy withdrawals and comments on he missed me. So is his recent acting up a getting back at Mommy for going out? I had to ground him today from my sister cause his manners were lacking and said "Gimme pizza" and did not add the please and told her no to something. She is apparently queen and you don't say no to her. Seriously you don't I would not let her use my end table for her second Christmas tree. Yes she for some reason wanted to have two small trees up for Christmas. Was not necessary and she was not using my table and she at what 44 years of age kept on and whined trying to persuade me to let me let her use my end table. I have a lamp on the table where would I put my lamp? I don't have much decor anyway! She then got venomously ugly stating I was scum of earth and that she was not sharing Christmas dinner with me. Of course she cooled down and she found something else to set her tree on and all was good. I try and tell my son that she is not quite that nice, but by damned he is out to win her over with love or something. He just wants to love her and hang out with her. She does give him hugs and kisses but then it's buh bye and no he want to spend quality time. I then get a called saying to keep my child away from her. I think they bring out the badness in him or something. The reason I am stressed and had to get after him is just cause he annoyed his bitch Aunt somehow. He is just excited and loves her. Its rare he gets to spend time with her so he is a little erratic when he sees her. Its a constant thing. He always trying to sneak up there and hang out and its just a battle. My gods! spend time with the kid watch a movie, do some crafts quality time. Though maybe not cause they can't go without their pot for that long. In coming home last weekend I swear I smelled pot smoke in the air. If they smoked pot while my son was there sleeping! I can't confront on that or I will never get to leave my home ever again. She is just hell on wheels and her tongue cuts, she just might of well stabbed me cause when she attacks me it kills me a little bit each time. She does wonderful things though and buys my son clothes. He's be naked probably without her and she gets things at discount price too. Of course this is not a act of kindness no no. She keeps tabs of what she has done for you and you better pay back when she asks for something in return. It's not just to be nice. I don't know and its stressing and I can't write...and I'm done venting. This was a venting Blog, whew!

My Mommy's Day Out

2010-01-18T12:09:00.004-06:00

As you know I had a birthday of recent and Saturday night was my night out for my birthday. I am a devoted mom and rarely go out so this was a much needed night out. I knew my sister could not protest cause it was my birthday and I don't go out much. Sheesh. She still did protest a bit copping an arched eyebrow and a Mmm hmm attitude like Im some naughty teenager. I also was home a bit late due to wicked fog and the event we went to was a bit out of town. I was not able to adivse due to my cell not working out there. Everyone else did but not mine ATT&T sucks! My son did have a bit of a Mommy withdrawl though. I told him in advanced so he could prepair himself that I was going out, he did but that did not mean he did not like it. He kept asking Mommy do you have to go? Can I go with? It broke my heart a bit cause he said this why hugging and clinging to me tight. He was fine though and he had his beloved Auntie watching him so it was not bad.

Upon coming home he was asleep of course so I picked him up to carry him down stairs and he woke up which was good cause was not sure how I was going to carry him down the stairs cause he is not light and I got bad back. Luckily he woke up and we walked down the stairs. I realized I think I missed him more than he missed me as I turned around on the last step and held out my arms in which he flew into. I said I missed him and he said I missed you too Mommy. I then go to tuck him in his bed and he goes aww I want to sleep in your bed. I realized then yes I was missed indeed and since he had a hard time with me leaving I let him, and I was really tired not used to late nights and having fun. My son then said yay! Which tickled my heart. Indeed I was missed and am loved. This little boy really loves me!

My son made me a Birthday cake!!!

2010-01-16T11:51:00.003-06:00

Okay well he is 5 years old so he did have some help in making the cake, but he did help in the making and decorating with guided hand. He did the candle work himself too and then I got a special Birthday song. Enjoy!

It Figures!

2010-01-04T14:40:00.005-06:00

Of course it figures!

All through winter break my son wakes up at the crack of dawn at 5 am. Now when it is time to go back to school he then decides he wants to sleep in an I have to wake him up. Typical! Well also it is my own fault for staying up late but we were on winter break so the luxury is to sleep in or so I thought. Either way it's back to School and back to work. We now must get our mindsets back into the old routine. I prepared my son for this and told him he had to simmer down now and focus for it's back to school and listening and learning. He did okay I think though this winter break I think may have dumbed him a bit and I do admit we could of focused on his speech a little bit more. It must of shown as I got a note that hinted that I should work with him at home more. I was a bit insulted cause I do work with him at home. Over break not so much focus true but it was Christmas time! Already though we are showing signs of he does not want to do his homework and messes around when I try to help him and go over his words. Perhaps we just need to get back in the routine of things and all will calm into place. I want to have hope that this year will be a better year and I can give my son what he needs...though I am already I want him to have a less worried momma.

Happy 2010!

2010-01-02T16:35:00.002-06:00

Happy 2010 all! Whew the holidays are over. I am very ready for school to start again. I love my son dearly but I'm running low on steam and ideas to entertain him. (One of his joys is oddly watching me play Sims2). It is my fault for staying up late knowing my son gets up at 5 am stating he is hungry...well its now gotten to the point its whining. I have tried to sneak in some work after Christmas but he was just not having that wanting Mommy all to him and to play. Be I could not help but oblige him all he wanted was to play with his Mommy. He deserved it too for he was a great trooper during the writing of my book.

Its been a long winter break but we did have fun playing in the snow we got, playing knights and pirates, video games, eating yummy foods. I know Ive packed on a few extra pounds and I have not done my work outs. Monday is back to school and no more sleeping in. Though I really didn't get to sleep much in anyway, but I tried though. Near the end of our winter break ie today I realize my child really does talk too much. Here's to the New Year!

Day After Christmas

2009-12-26T12:38:00.005-06:00

It's the day after Christmas and the energy is winding down.

We opened presents on a freezing rain Christmas Eve. It is a Swedish tradition that we still keep up in honor of our Mom. We almost lost tradition this year but it still prevailed.My cat though decided to chew my Christmas lights so half our tree became unlighted. My son cried thinking Santa is not going to come cause our tree is not lighted right but I assured him Santa will know. We then bought cookies for Santa but my son could not contain his love for cookies and ate them all. Oh this was turning out to be GREAT Christmas! GRR! I was on the verge of Bah Humbug, but really I could not just help but smile on the inside so half our tree is lighted its no big deal.

On Christmas Eve we have a light meal of meats and dips and cheese spreads on crackers then open presents. My son was so excited and jumping and dancing. He got slippers, socks, sponge bob underwear, the of course TOYS! a racer car, Playmobil pirate play sets, puzzles video games. May I mention the "some assembly may be required" is a bunch of BS! Good thing Mommy knows how to improvise cause I do not know what the hell they were thinking in their directions my gods!

Christmas Day of course Santa came. I conveniently got Creme de mint cookies for a present so we got to leave milk and cookies out for Santa. I get woken up I'm not sure what time Christmas Morning to a little voice saying can I open my present. I mumbled yes then I hear and happy squeal voice. It was a Playmobil Knights play and go play set. He wanted this, and it's suppose to be a travel play set but it really doesn't travel well, annnd it came with a play sword and shield which might not of been the best. I think I'm going to be tossing the sword out. The play set was my goal. Also on Christmas day we have the big Christmas meal and it was yummy. We also played in the Christmas snow which was light fluffy and angelic! The prefect snow. A perfect Christmas.

I'm Starting to Think My Son Is Not Human

2009-12-11T15:26:00.004-06:00

I am sick once again. I got the flu shot and it seems to of made my immune system go gimme gimme for everything else. Here I am sick again and my son has been sick free. While I am happy and blessed! I am very happy my baby is not getting sick, BUT!!!! I am beginning to wonder is this boy HUMAN??? I am grateful he is not getting ill yes yes, though I am also starting to feel a ting of jealousy over the kid. Watch now he gets sick after I say this (winces). I think he is getting ticked off at mommy for being sick all the time too. For mommy is no fun when she is sick and I pretty much quell snuggle cuddle time for I do not want to make him sick. This time he is not really caring and is going to have his cuddle time with me do or die. I told him no and then he proceeds to hug and cuddle me saying but I wanna cuddle! My gods how can you resist the cuddles of your child! I do not think I am that severe in illness so I give in. It always seems to happen after I am outside playing with him. I'm trying to be a good fun mom and what do I get? ILLNESS! Add on with Christmas and snow its a deadly mix to still be authoritative mom even when you can hardly talk and don't sound so threatening with a swollen lymph node voice. Just think I've just had my limit of being sick is all. So for give me if I protest too much.

The total illness count is Mommy 3 Zachery 0

Snow Days

2009-12-09T11:23:00.003-06:00

Winter storm of 2009 has hit us as well as many other states around me here in the mid-west. Schools were closed. My son was upset there was not school, and I was hard to convince there was no school too. I watched the news and thought I saw our school district closed, but I want not sure cause I had looked away briefly. I then got a call stating schools were close due to lack of bus drivers calling in absent. I still was not sure I heard right so I looked online and sure enough the words from my computer convinced me. I blame this on it was early in the morning and my brain was still sleeping. Okay no school now what? I cheered my son up by saying we will go out and play in the snowy as he calls it. This years snow was not the light and fluffy pretty kind of snow. It was the wet slushy kind. Good for making snowman and snowballs, as me and my son had a lovely snowball fight. Afterwards we went inside and had hot coco and cinnamon bread for breakfast and warmed up wrapped in blankets. Best Mommy and son moment ever.

Side note though: Wet slushy snow though bad to shovel its sooo heavy! Not good on the back that already messed up and filled with arthritis. A girl though has to do what a girl has to do. I now write this laid up in bed on a heating pad and had to take one of my strong meds that I'm only to take when I really need to. Good news though my sidewalk and steps are shoveled!

Christmas Shopping Online: This Parents dream

2009-12-08T15:09:00.006-06:00

This was previously posted on hubpages.com. I'm sharing it here on my blog for its fitting.

http://hubpages.com/hub/Christmas-Shopping-onlineThis-Parents-dreams

Enjoy!

Registering for Kindergarten

2009-12-07T08:29:00.003-06:00

Last Friday was early registration for Kindergarten. It hit me then oh my baby is going to be in Kindergarten!!! I just can't believe he and he is five!! I often just stare and look at him. He is beautiful, this precious little human being that I created. I can not believe he is really here with me. He is literally a dream come to life. Just did not know I'd be alone in this, yet I accept the challenge greatly.

Okay so I thought his pre-k school was a school school. It is not, it only serves as a pre-k school. I was disappointed cause I really loved that school and they were wonderful and my son has improved a lot in his speech therapy. Sadly he will be moving onto a new school. I registered him early, and the school I want him to attend is our neighborhood school so it it likely he will get in my school of choice. I went to the school and so did my nephew so I'm a little comforted there. When I told my son he would be going to a new school he was nervous and scared and he didn't want to go to a new school. I assured him it wont be for awhile, and I admitted Mommy was scared too, I felt his fear plus yes I had my own worries. I know maybe as a parent you should not show weakness. My Mom never did when I was young, and she was like super Mom to me. I wanted to show my child different and think it might be better and to teach him its okay to be scared and nervous. Even Mommy gets scared, but Mommy will be brave and face her challenges head on and he will too. We will face it together when the time comes. I will show my son to be brave and to go for it!

Birthdays and Holidays

2009-12-01T09:45:00.003-06:00

October is actually the start of the the whirlwind. November is the worst due to my son's birthday not being that far from Thanksgiving.

So last week was a bit hectic with birthday celebration, then Thanksgiving. Lets add my power cord to my laptop blew up literally. Blessings came though that I was able to make sure my son had a happy birthday. It was just me and him and it was nice and cozy. He knows it's me and he till the end and he can always count on Mommy. Even though he is close to his Aunt and Uncle we can't count on them really. They give false promises and think he wont remember cause he is just a kid. Oh kids remember and I still remember intentions well said, but empty in the end. Back on to topic we have started a tradition in which we celebrate at Toys R US. He is in their birthday club where he gets a hat and balloon and gift card. He picked out a Scooby Doo game to buy then we went for ice cream and he got a free box of Popsicles. We then went back home to have cake and ice cream. We pretty much lived off of cake and ice cream for that was all we had to eat really. Later in the day his Aunt came with her present which was a new game controller so he could play his new game. When asked at the end of the day if he had a happy birthday he smiled said YEAH! Sadly though he having a hard time letting his birthday go as I tell him his birthday is over now. So he goes around and sing Happy birthday to nobody cause he just gotta sing apparently. It's to cute and I just laugh. So I told him Mommy birthday is next so he excited for Mommy's birthday and wonder if there will be cake. He helped make a cake for me last year and wants to do it again. (With help of course.) Craziness is not over yet as Christmas looms OH MY!!

TO BE CONTINUED!

Your sick and your a Single Mom, and flu shots are evil

2009-11-18T08:48:00.005-06:00

It seems when Mom is sick the world falls apart. I got a flu shot, but it seems Ive been sicker now than I was last year when I did not have one...wait I was only sick once last year and that was in APRIL! I am refusing flu shots next season cause I'm healthier without them. I got one and I now have been sick twice. Sadly it did not keep me out of his office like he had hoped. Okay now I got that off my chest. Yes it seems the world falls apart when mommy is sick. I kind of feel sorry for my son cause I did not want him to get sick and so Ive kind of banned him for hugging me a lot and playing with me and cuddling with me and giving me kisses. I'm like sweetie I don't want you to get sick. Whatever I had gives you high fevers all day and that on a 4 year old(almost 5) body is dangerous. Ive been praying to keep him healthy. Its like he an incubator for the germs and I catch the illness not him. Which I am totally happy with. I will get sick a million times over if it keeps him healthy. I was just sick the week before Halloween and was not sure I was going to be well for trick or treating but I was and he was happy. Now once again I am sick again. My son has done pretty well understanding mommy is sick not to get too close and I remind him he can't do the things he normally does with me. My sister has been a little bit helpful she fed him one day cause I was so not feeling like cooking and plus Id just give him a bowl of my germs probably. Monday I went to doctor got tested for Strep throat, Mono and they both came up negative so I was told it probably viral and I got some antibiotics and was told to rest. My sister was kind and picked my son up from the bus after school and apparently while he was happy to see his auntie he goes "Where's my mommy." That touched my heart so. My gods this little person really does love me and I am his world as he is my world. His sweetness can only last so long though as he now is like hmm mommy is sick lets see what I can get away with. Mommy is sick yes but not that sick. As I am starting to feel better my son takes notice though. Yesterday he came to me and said. "Mommy I miss you." Ive been here all this time but also Ive been a bit distant with him too for not wanting him to catch what I had. So last night we cuddled for the first time in a long time it seemed and he fell asleep in my arms. Awww

Blessings mixed

2009-11-09T13:11:00.003-06:00

You are waiting in line at the checkout when the woman before you with a little boy in tow goes way over her food stamp about and has to take things back. What posses you to say that you will pay for the rest of her groceries? An Angel?

Random acts of kindness are so rare. Especially when the acts of kindness come at a price in my life. This is what happened to me. I only had 50 dollars I went way over my limit. I'm not sure what I was thinking I do this all the time. My mind is so frazzled and you got a kid in tow wanting everything. One of the things though I got him for supplies for his cakes. Which was so happy about and goes, "mommy we gotta take away my cake?" I was not going to take away his cake but as I was shamelessly removing item after item the lady behind me waiting said put the rest on her card. I was stunned. I told her thank you and tears started to flow. I broke after trying to be so strong of the mess I have made my life. I hugged her and thanked her and I think the cashier was near tears too. They just did not know how much that meant to me. Me a single struggling mom. I actually though felt pathetic that my life has come to this. I'm such a loser. So we got more food, but its gotta last us the whole month yet I my a 4 almost 5 year old that want to eat everything I bought in one day. Gods how do I deal with that? I want to feed my son but he can not eat a whole bag or box of something just for lunch. It has to last us!

I'm snapping!Let add also he wants his cake now and is refusing to understand its not his birthday yet and I'm completely broke and bills are adding my body hurts and I fractured cracked or did something the hell to my toe. Can't wear a shoe and your sister calls you a pussy wuss! But that a whole another thing I probably need therapy for. My woes stem from that probably and I'm not being the best mommy I can be. My son see his mommy put down and he get put down at well. They think they mean no harm but it just stings me every time my son told he is a bad butt. He can be naughty what child is not? He is also good and I remind him of that and not to become the negative that is told of him...like it seems I have become.

School is Good

2009-10-16T22:58:00.003-05:00

　
I have discovered what most parents have. That school is good. Before our children we thought ugh school can’t wait to get day off and snow days were looked forward to. Our parents moaned and we thought them lame. I have now come full circle and I now know why.

Last weekend we had an amazing 4 day weekend. By Tuesday I was HORRAY SCHOOL!!! When I first had my son to be without him was horrible as he got older it was still a bit hard without him and even just recently over the summer he had gone off with his Uncle and I was beside myself the whole time he was gone. I missed him so much. I was so mad at myself cause I used all the time worrying about him instead of relaxing and regenerating my battery cause it was a whirl wind once he came home and I am like aww man wait can I do a redo? I don’t think I will miss him that much this time. As he hops up and down telling me his day with Uncle, that he hungry, he needs his shoes off help him! So you I thought I would love the 4 day weekend and oooh maybe get to sleep in a bit! No not so. Of course when there is no school he is up at the crack of dawn. When there is school I got to shake him awake. It was the longest weekend ever and I was so glad for school on Tuesday. I have realized to appreciate my time without him for they are needed. We all need a break once in awhile to rejuvenate ourselves and come back better parents for our children.

Chatty Mornings

2009-09-23T21:21:00.005-05:00

I think all kids in general are morning people until they hit puberty then is pouring water on them to wake them up. I for one remember as a child getting up early to watch Saturday morning cartoon and my mother still asleep. Who knows?

Well I am not a morning person now. My rule is don't look or talk to me till noon. If it could only be that way. But no as I am on the toilet and hear the sweet voice of my child going Good Morning Mommy! And I'm like oh crap hes awake! Nooo!!! 5 more minutes pleeease! Well at least that is what I say in my head anyway. I manage to figure out how to move my lips and speak a good morning back to him in which he then proceeds to talk to me ask me questions. WHAT???? I may be awake but my brain is still sleeping till it has its first cup of java. I look at him and wonder if he has an off switch. To be that chatty in the morning *shakes head* I can't speak coherently until I at least have my first cup of coffee. I'm cynical where did my child get his perkiness? I love it just the same seeing him smile and happy. Lets me know I'm doing something right.

Child's Need Before Your Own

2009-09-18T14:36:00.003-05:00

*It's been a long time since I've posted. I have had computer and health issues that prevented such*

Putting Children's needs before your own. It sounds right and it's what every parent should do correct?

Yes...yet if YOU are not there for them then how smart is that? This is especially important if you're the only parent. Being a single mom I have learn you do have to not forget about yourself. I still have issues with this hence the huge mistake that I have fallen into recently.
My health. I have totally neglected myself till my body is like well if your not gonna listen to the warning signs I'm giving you I'm gonna MAKE YOU LISTEN! Ended up in the emergency room and I will tell you my son was a good trooper. He got his brother in law who took me too the emergency room. The diagnosis was vertigo the cause behind this vertigo is still uncertain and I still have it from time to time. I had stopped taking the pills for it but I'm back on them again along with being told I got Hypertension which is high blood pressure. Add in my chronic back pain, and oh my medicines make me totally like zombie mom. I feel so disconnected. I am now having to look into another line of work cause I'm just too out it to go back to the positions I normally would do.
So this is out to all parents do not forget to take care of yourself too. Mentally and physically.

Some days there is just nothing to say

2009-06-25T12:00:00.002-05:00

Been awhile since I have written in here. For awhile I really did not have much to write about. Not sure how much one can talk about parenthood. Or how much people want to here my musings about it.

This week was interesting though in that my son got evaluated for any special needs for the upcoming school year. He has been having speech therapy so I let the school know my concerns and such. He got tested and they confirmed he could benefit from so speech therapy and fine moter skills therapy. They said he was such a delight to test and they also asked me on things too. Then they said something that nearly moved me to tears. I am getting teary -eyed as I write this. They told me I am doing a great job with my son. I told them that meant so much. I do not know if worsa can express how much being a good mom means to me. I WANTED my child even though I am a single mom. It was not an oops I got preggy. I KNEW the consequences going in that this was possible. I wanted to be a good mom by this little life I brought into this world. I so try my damnest to do the right thing. Sometimes it doesn't always pay to do the right thing in this day and age. To get told by these child development people that I am doing a good job meant the world. I always wondered, always felt I was failing. I was even told that I was failing as a mother and not doing right by my child. That hurt me to my core. I know it did not matter and I knew I was doing a good job but I still always questioned ,I think every parent does. They try to do the best they can. Life does not make it easy for you either especially that I'm in major back pain and I know my sister is getting annoyed that her nephew keeps going upstairs to visit her. Ce la vie!

We are super MOMMIES!!!!

2009-06-04T23:19:00.002-05:00

All moms are super moms! No matter what we take a lick en and keep on ticking. At least that's what my life seems like. Especially Single mothers I think are truly super moms. It's just them they are the ones that have to be counted on. No rain nor sleet no hail shall stop you from your mommy duties. Not a cut, nor bruises, nor sprang or broken bone will stop us. For it is only us we are all we got. I have had many a times where I have literally become handicapped. I had no one to call to help and I could hardly walk and dinner had to be made. I was amazed that I still managed it though it was hard as hell and painful. I even still managed to work through a week of migraines that is till they got so bad my body shut down on me and said REST!!!! Migraines are my kryptonite. My back is also my kryptonite number too. Again though it has to be when my body demands I rest and can not go any further. Otherwise I will still go and endure the pain and spasms to still be mommy. I think all single moms do cause they have to. We are all our children have.

You know you hit mommy-hood when....

2009-06-02T20:40:00.002-05:00

You know you hit mommy-hood when...you are counting how many poo poos your little has done like it's casual conversation and really interesting. Then you stop yourself and go OMG! I'm talking about Poo poo what has happened to me!! Yep I'm a mommy and proud of it! With the good and the bad I would not want to change it ever. Especially when you and your little one have established a psychic link. The link goes two ways it seems. You hear about parent know when their child is troubled or in danger. It goes for the the child and parent too. I was out today to a job interview (got job yes!) and my son was upstairs at my sisters and her husbands home. I no sooner come in the the door and go head for the door to the upstairs home when I hear a little voice through the door. I open it and I hear mommy? and I peek around the corner and there is my little one at the top of the stairs. I'm like how did he know I was home...well maybe he heard the car and checked out the window so maybe its not so magical. I really touched my heart though that no sooner did I get inside and here my boy was waiting for me. He really missed me! It just does your heart well to see the smile on your child's face after you been away. I know I'm not the only one to feel this. It is also the reminded after the horrible days your have this is soooo worth it. I am proud and blessed to have this little soul in my life. He keeps it exciting that's for sure!!!

Worries of the Single Mother

2009-05-31T15:31:00.002-05:00

Every Mother I know can relate to the words I say single mom or not.

But the worries of the Single Mother are what if something happens to you? You are all they got. Hopefully some though do have supportive families and lucky for them if they do. My health seem to not be great and that's my biggest worry. Its just me here. What happens if I collapse god forbid. I really having a hard time getting him to understand things. I know he is only four but that's been a concern to his teachers too. When they ask him to do something. This is so tough and I'm at my wits ends. Mommy has good days and bad days,and today is a bad day and my body is hurting.I can't play with him 24/7. I am not his giant human toy. He has to understand mommy has to do other things. I feel I failed and I've spoiled him to be ungrateful little jerk. Then again It could of been what he picked up from the other kids and how they are with their parents or that the kids had parents that are not as involved as I am. I don't want to think my child is a the spawn of Satan. Maybe I have reached eureka and this is it. Thing is how do I get my child to be himself and not be what he sees and thinks he should be. He is only 4 and we wonder does he understand? Either way gotta keep on truckin till this truck can run no more.

School is out...NOOOOOO!!

2009-05-28T09:58:00.003-05:00

Last day of pre-k was yesterday. Oh joy! I am not sure what to do with him this summer and I'm going to miss my little mommy quite time. It was not much, but its amazing how much stuff you can get done without and adorable little boy not following you around the house like a permanent shadow. We are currently working on patience and having to wait for things he wants. Which mostly is mommy. I try to play with him as much as can but there are time when mommy can't play. It's just me here, but this does not mean mommy does not love him any less. Mommy just has things to do to make sure we are all happy, like cook yummy food in our bellies, Clean our clothes, clean house. Well sometimes the parting from mommy is too much and he offers to help me in the choirs. I take advantage of this quickly cause soon moody teenage years will be here and it wont be this way for long. I fear the teenage years I really do. Your kids change totally. I've seen it , it's not pretty.

Another thing we are learning is that school is out for summer. He likes school and does not quite understand. Typical mommy stuff but add on top of the the grown-up stuff that he doesn't know about, the struggle to keep us alive and happy. I try to shield it from him but he a very intuitive boy. He knows when I am sad and he comes over and just hugs me. I fight back breaking down in tears. This boy is hugging me! I'm the mommy! I got to be strong but sometimes I am not. My little boy then hugs me and tell me it's okay mommy. I did not want my son to have to deal with that. I try to keep strong. I know I am doing good when his teacher asks if he is ever sad cause he is the happiest little boy they have ever seen. He is always smiling.

IN that I know he is alright.

Kids are germy and oh yeah Insomnia

2009-05-25T11:33:00.003-05:00

Kids are germy.

My little one had touch of a cold past couple of days. It started Thursday night with a tight coughing and lot of crying for he did not want to take the honey to help his cough. (its honey its sweet and yummy! I don't get it. He likes his liquid Tylenol better than honey!) I finally stuffed some in him and his cough was quite the rest of the night yet I could not sleep for I was worried about him, angry cause all I wanted was him to get better and he is four I know he doesn't comprehend but man its draining trying to get medicine down a child throat! I think I was the same though, now I'm getting pay back! I was also checking on him even though he was so mad at me earlier he wanted to kill me for making him take the honey. Luckily no school on Friday for he was not feeling and the nose running started and more coughing and I'm trying to keep things sanitary and not fairing so well so I just gave up and made just made hand washing as much as possible. For sometimes you can not go wash your hands after you help blow your little one's nose when he is cuddling with you and does not want you to move, and you exhausted as well. He even took a nap so I knew he was not feeling well and I took nap too. Thursday night was rough on the both of us I think. Saturday he is feeling better still a cough but he's better oh boy is he better. Sunday he back normal! AHHHHH!

INSOMNIA.
Some how insomnia has now stricken me in dealing with my sick child. I just can not rest. When I sleep its a light sleep and I wake up feeling like I didn't sleep at all. So I'm tired its no biggie it comes with being a mom, but then not being able to regenerate at night and sleep its taking its toll I'm cranky and irritable the sound of my child's happy voice is like nails on chalk board. The normal stuff that I don't normally snap on are now snap inducing and I snap and all he did was want to hug and play with me. Lack of sleep making it hard to focus and I'm trying to clean house and do laundry and my son want to play with me or he has to tell me something and its about nothing really or just that he loves me and loves his aunt and uncle. I drink coffee to stay awake get energy and then of course cant sleep when its time I'm on a vicious cycle and I just want to cry. I'm alone and I have no help, or should I say no one wanting to help.
Sometimes you just want someone to physically hold you, support you, and say its gonna be all right. It's all Ive have ever wanted I never got it.

One of the things I didn't know about Motherhood...

2009-05-22T23:00:00.002-05:00

One of the things I didn't know about Motherhood is you lose braincells and become space head mommy. I swear after having my child I have gotten dumber yet I know the words to the theme song to Spongebob Squarepants!

My son goes to speech therapy on Thursdays its just an hour and I usually bring my ipod and a book and wait till his session is up. I had no more books to read so I was reduced to reading their lovely magazines. I picked up one of them a parenting magazines to read which I normally despise. At some points they are hard to relate to. I'm not one of them PTO moms that seem to be the norm in those magazines. Most have a partner which most of the women feel don't do their share so at times I feel I am better of being single cause the ones that are married seem miserable and then men in their lives are only good for income and giving them more babies. This is my crude assessment of reading parenting magazines. I wonder why I am reading these parenting magazines. It's tough being a parent in the first place. It's tougher when you have to do it alone. Yet I am kind of happy and I take that challenge.
Yet then again I wonder what do I tell him when he gets older and asks about a Father.
I shall cross that bridge when I come to it.

Not Guilty!

2009-05-18T22:47:00.002-05:00

At times I wish I could say the infamous line "Go ask your Father."
Well I am Mother and Father so there is no escape for me and it's so unfair.
These are trying times, and I feel my child has such a loser Mother. To the world I'm a single jobless Mother. What a shame, what a pity, she not even trying, a disgrace to her child by not doing right by him! Those words and thoughts hurt my soul to the core. I can not escape them though I know I should not listen to them. I know the inside they only see they outside of it. To be honest it's none of their business for its my life MY failure I can not learn if I don't break a few bones. Sad thing I did learn is I can not lie but telling the truth only hurts you in the end.

Money is tight though how long will I last? End of the month is tough, food supply is low. Child wants me to order pizza (He call it pizza guy), he wants McDonald's. I say no I don't got pizza guy money and if I did even he does not need pizza he needs to eat variety cause the boy all he wants is junk food and that's not happening so then why should I feel guilty because I can't order pizza or take him to McDonald's? WHEN he really doesn't need it in the first place and only as a treat once a month do we get those.AND WE GOT FOOD! SO HUMPH! Not guilty!

Different types of Single Mom's

2009-05-16T15:59:00.002-05:00

The word Single Mother seems still a bit taboo in this day and age. It's still looked down upon, but not all cases should be as such. There are many ways a woman can be a single mom. She can be widowed or divorced so it's not the typical out she got knocked up and the man abandoned her. Single motherhood can also be just a choice. No matter what the type though it seems we still get looked at with pity. Most might be oblivious to this fact, but I'm ever aware of it, though it can possibly be the stressed out mind of over thinking. Either way can't shake the feeling that they do and that makes me sad. I'm not some pitiful thing.

Yes though it is hard with some days better than most.
Yes there are days I wish to just run away.
Yes I wonder everyday if I'm doing right by my little boy.

Then I see he has grown an inch each day. I see him smile and play. I see him run to me giving me hug and kisses. At night as he falls to sleep I hear him whisper I love you mommy.
THAT is all I need to know I am doing the right thing.

First Blog Post

2009-05-15T17:40:00.004-05:00

I write this as my little one is climbing around me. What a bright Idea to create a blog at 5:45pm and near dinner time. This is my blog of the trials and tribulations of motherhood and I'm doing it alone like millions of other single moms. I'm not alone out there yet I do feel along in this journey. Its something I wanted though. I sometimes wonder if I was crazy. No my child is not a oops or an accident. Though not really planned either just something wishful and I got my wish. I am doing this alone though. Not what I hoped for but here I am.

How's that for an opening