Your sick and your a Single Mom, and flu shots are evil

It seems when Mom is sick the world falls apart. I got a flu shot, but it seems Ive been sicker now than I was last year when I did not have one...wait I was only sick once last year and that was in APRIL! I am refusing flu shots next season cause I'm healthier without them. I got one and I now have been sick twice. Sadly it did not keep me out of his office like he had hoped. Okay now I got that off my chest. Yes it seems the world falls apart when mommy is sick. I kind of feel sorry for my son cause I did not want him to get sick and so Ive kind of banned him for hugging me a lot and playing with me and cuddling with me and giving me kisses. I'm like sweetie I don't want you to get sick. Whatever I had gives you high fevers all day and that on a 4 year old(almost 5) body is dangerous. Ive been praying to keep him healthy. Its like he an incubator for the germs and I catch the illness not him. Which I am totally happy with. I will get sick a million times over if it keeps him healthy. I was just sick the week before Halloween and was not sure I was going to be well for trick or treating but I was and he was happy. Now once again I am sick again. My son has done pretty well understanding mommy is sick not to get too close and I remind him he can't do the things he normally does with me. My sister has been a little bit helpful she fed him one day cause I was so not feeling like cooking and plus Id just give him a bowl of my germs probably. Monday I went to doctor got tested for Strep throat, Mono and they both came up negative so I was told it probably viral and I got some antibiotics and was told to rest. My sister was kind and picked my son up from the bus after school and apparently while he was happy to see his auntie he goes "Where's my mommy." That touched my heart so. My gods this little person really does love me and I am his world as he is my world. His sweetness can only last so long though as he now is like hmm mommy is sick lets see what I can get away with. Mommy is sick yes but not that sick. As I am starting to feel better my son takes notice though. Yesterday he came to me and said. "Mommy I miss you." Ive been here all this time but also Ive been a bit distant with him too for not wanting him to catch what I had. So last night we cuddled for the first time in a long time it seemed and he fell asleep in my arms. Awww

Blessings mixed

You are waiting in line at the checkout when the woman before you with a little boy in tow goes way over her food stamp about and has to take things back. What posses you to say that you will pay for the rest of her groceries? An Angel?

Random acts of kindness are so rare. Especially when the acts of kindness come at a price in my life. This is what happened to me. I only had 50 dollars I went way over my limit. I'm not sure what I was thinking I do this all the time. My mind is so frazzled and you got a kid in tow wanting everything. One of the things though I got him for supplies for his cakes. Which was so happy about and goes, "mommy we gotta take away my cake?" I was not going to take away his cake but as I was shamelessly removing item after item the lady behind me waiting said put the rest on her card. I was stunned. I told her thank you and tears started to flow. I broke after trying to be so strong of the mess I have made my life. I hugged her and thanked her and I think the cashier was near tears too. They just did not know how much that meant to me. Me a single struggling mom. I actually though felt pathetic that my life has come to this. I'm such a loser. So we got more food, but its gotta last us the whole month yet I my a 4 almost 5 year old that want to eat everything I bought in one day. Gods how do I deal with that? I want to feed my son but he can not eat a whole bag or box of something just for lunch. It has to last us!

I'm snapping!Let add also he wants his cake now and is refusing to understand its not his birthday yet and I'm completely broke and bills are adding my body hurts and I fractured cracked or did something the hell to my toe. Can't wear a shoe and your sister calls you a pussy wuss! But that a whole another thing I probably need therapy for. My woes stem from that probably and I'm not being the best mommy I can be. My son see his mommy put down and he get put down at well. They think they mean no harm but it just stings me every time my son told he is a bad butt. He can be naughty what child is not? He is also good and I remind him of that and not to become the negative that is told of him...like it seems I have become.

School is Good

　
I have discovered what most parents have. That school is good. Before our children we thought ugh school can’t wait to get day off and snow days were looked forward to. Our parents moaned and we thought them lame. I have now come full circle and I now know why.

Last weekend we had an amazing 4 day weekend. By Tuesday I was HORRAY SCHOOL!!! When I first had my son to be without him was horrible as he got older it was still a bit hard without him and even just recently over the summer he had gone off with his Uncle and I was beside myself the whole time he was gone. I missed him so much. I was so mad at myself cause I used all the time worrying about him instead of relaxing and regenerating my battery cause it was a whirl wind once he came home and I am like aww man wait can I do a redo? I don’t think I will miss him that much this time. As he hops up and down telling me his day with Uncle, that he hungry, he needs his shoes off help him! So you I thought I would love the 4 day weekend and oooh maybe get to sleep in a bit! No not so. Of course when there is no school he is up at the crack of dawn. When there is school I got to shake him awake. It was the longest weekend ever and I was so glad for school on Tuesday. I have realized to appreciate my time without him for they are needed. We all need a break once in awhile to rejuvenate ourselves and come back better parents for our children.

Chatty Mornings

I think all kids in general are morning people until they hit puberty then is pouring water on them to wake them up. I for one remember as a child getting up early to watch Saturday morning cartoon and my mother still asleep. Who knows?

Well I am not a morning person now. My rule is don't look or talk to me till noon. If it could only be that way. But no as I am on the toilet and hear the sweet voice of my child going Good Morning Mommy! And I'm like oh crap hes awake! Nooo!!! 5 more minutes pleeease! Well at least that is what I say in my head anyway. I manage to figure out how to move my lips and speak a good morning back to him in which he then proceeds to talk to me ask me questions. WHAT???? I may be awake but my brain is still sleeping till it has its first cup of java. I look at him and wonder if he has an off switch. To be that chatty in the morning *shakes head* I can't speak coherently until I at least have my first cup of coffee. I'm cynical where did my child get his perkiness? I love it just the same seeing him smile and happy. Lets me know I'm doing something right.

Child's Need Before Your Own

*It's been a long time since I've posted. I have had computer and health issues that prevented such*


Putting Children's needs before your own. It sounds right and it's what every parent should do correct?

Yes...yet if YOU are not there for them then how smart is that? This is especially important if you're the only parent. Being a single mom I have learn you do have to not forget about yourself. I still have issues with this hence the huge mistake that I have fallen into recently.
My health. I have totally neglected myself till my body is like well if your not gonna listen to the warning signs I'm giving you I'm gonna MAKE YOU LISTEN! Ended up in the emergency room and I will tell you my son was a good trooper. He got his brother in law who took me too the emergency room. The diagnosis was vertigo the cause behind this vertigo is still uncertain and I still have it from time to time. I had stopped taking the pills for it but I'm back on them again along with being told I got Hypertension which is high blood pressure. Add in my chronic back pain, and oh my medicines make me totally like zombie mom. I feel so disconnected. I am now having to look into another line of work cause I'm just too out it to go back to the positions I normally would do.
So this is out to all parents do not forget to take care of yourself too. Mentally and physically.

Some days there is just nothing to say

Been awhile since I have written in here. For awhile I really did not have much to write about. Not sure how much one can talk about parenthood. Or how much people want to here my musings about it.

This week was interesting though in that my son got evaluated for any special needs for the upcoming school year. He has been having speech therapy so I let the school know my concerns and such. He got tested and they confirmed he could benefit from so speech therapy and fine moter skills therapy. They said he was such a delight to test and they also asked me on things too. Then they said something that nearly moved me to tears. I am getting teary -eyed as I write this. They told me I am doing a great job with my son. I told them that meant so much. I do not know if worsa can express how much being a good mom means to me. I WANTED my child even though I am a single mom. It was not an oops I got preggy. I KNEW the consequences going in that this was possible. I wanted to be a good mom by this little life I brought into this world. I so try my damnest to do the right thing. Sometimes it doesn't always pay to do the right thing in this day and age. To get told by these child development people that I am doing a good job meant the world. I always wondered, always felt I was failing. I was even told that I was failing as a mother and not doing right by my child. That hurt me to my core. I know it did not matter and I knew I was doing a good job but I still always questioned ,I think every parent does. They try to do the best they can. Life does not make it easy for you either especially that I'm in major back pain and I know my sister is getting annoyed that her nephew keeps going upstairs to visit her. Ce la vie!

We are super MOMMIES!!!!

All moms are super moms! No matter what we take a lick en and keep on ticking. At least that's what my life seems like. Especially Single mothers I think are truly super moms. It's just them they are the ones that have to be counted on. No rain nor sleet no hail shall stop you from your mommy duties. Not a cut, nor bruises, nor sprang or broken bone will stop us. For it is only us we are all we got. I have had many a times where I have literally become handicapped. I had no one to call to help and I could hardly walk and dinner had to be made. I was amazed that I still managed it though it was hard as hell and painful. I even still managed to work through a week of migraines that is till they got so bad my body shut down on me and said REST!!!! Migraines are my kryptonite. My back is also my kryptonite number too. Again though it has to be when my body demands I rest and can not go any further. Otherwise I will still go and endure the pain and spasms to still be mommy. I think all single moms do cause they have to. We are all our children have.

You know you hit mommy-hood when....

You know you hit mommy-hood when...you are counting how many poo poos your little has done like it's casual conversation and really interesting. Then you stop yourself and go OMG! I'm talking about Poo poo what has happened to me!! Yep I'm a mommy and proud of it! With the good and the bad I would not want to change it ever. Especially when you and your little one have established a psychic link. The link goes two ways it seems. You hear about parent know when their child is troubled or in danger. It goes for the the child and parent too. I was out today to a job interview (got job yes!) and my son was upstairs at my sisters and her husbands home. I no sooner come in the the door and go head for the door to the upstairs home when I hear a little voice through the door. I open it and I hear mommy? and I peek around the corner and there is my little one at the top of the stairs. I'm like how did he know I was home...well maybe he heard the car and checked out the window so maybe its not so magical. I really touched my heart though that no sooner did I get inside and here my boy was waiting for me. He really missed me! It just does your heart well to see the smile on your child's face after you been away. I know I'm not the only one to feel this. It is also the reminded after the horrible days your have this is soooo worth it. I am proud and blessed to have this little soul in my life. He keeps it exciting that's for sure!!!

Worries of the Single Mother

Every Mother I know can relate to the words I say single mom or not.

But the worries of the Single Mother are what if something happens to you? You are all they got. Hopefully some though do have supportive families and lucky for them if they do. My health seem to not be great and that's my biggest worry. Its just me here. What happens if I collapse god forbid. I really having a hard time getting him to understand things. I know he is only four but that's been a concern to his teachers too. When they ask him to do something. This is so tough and I'm at my wits ends. Mommy has good days and bad days,and today is a bad day and my body is hurting.I can't play with him 24/7. I am not his giant human toy. He has to understand mommy has to do other things. I feel I failed and I've spoiled him to be ungrateful little jerk. Then again It could of been what he picked up from the other kids and how they are with their parents or that the kids had parents that are not as involved as I am. I don't want to think my child is a the spawn of Satan. Maybe I have reached eureka and this is it. Thing is how do I get my child to be himself and not be what he sees and thinks he should be. He is only 4 and we wonder does he understand? Either way gotta keep on truckin till this truck can run no more.

School is out...NOOOOOO!!

Last day of pre-k was yesterday. Oh joy! I am not sure what to do with him this summer and I'm going to miss my little mommy quite time. It was not much, but its amazing how much stuff you can get done without and adorable little boy not following you around the house like a permanent shadow. We are currently working on patience and having to wait for things he wants. Which mostly is mommy. I try to play with him as much as can but there are time when mommy can't play. It's just me here, but this does not mean mommy does not love him any less. Mommy just has things to do to make sure we are all happy, like cook yummy food in our bellies, Clean our clothes, clean house. Well sometimes the parting from mommy is too much and he offers to help me in the choirs. I take advantage of this quickly cause soon moody teenage years will be here and it wont be this way for long. I fear the teenage years I really do. Your kids change totally. I've seen it , it's not pretty.

Another thing we are learning is that school is out for summer. He likes school and does not quite understand. Typical mommy stuff but add on top of the the grown-up stuff that he doesn't know about, the struggle to keep us alive and happy. I try to shield it from him but he a very intuitive boy. He knows when I am sad and he comes over and just hugs me. I fight back breaking down in tears. This boy is hugging me! I'm the mommy! I got to be strong but sometimes I am not. My little boy then hugs me and tell me it's okay mommy. I did not want my son to have to deal with that. I try to keep strong. I know I am doing good when his teacher asks if he is ever sad cause he is the happiest little boy they have ever seen. He is always smiling.

IN that I know he is alright.

Kids are germy and oh yeah Insomnia

Kids are germy.

My little one had touch of a cold past couple of days. It started Thursday night with a tight coughing and lot of crying for he did not want to take the honey to help his cough. (its honey its sweet and yummy! I don't get it. He likes his liquid Tylenol better than honey!) I finally stuffed some in him and his cough was quite the rest of the night yet I could not sleep for I was worried about him, angry cause all I wanted was him to get better and he is four I know he doesn't comprehend but man its draining trying to get medicine down a child throat! I think I was the same though, now I'm getting pay back! I was also checking on him even though he was so mad at me earlier he wanted to kill me for making him take the honey. Luckily no school on Friday for he was not feeling and the nose running started and more coughing and I'm trying to keep things sanitary and not fairing so well so I just gave up and made just made hand washing as much as possible. For sometimes you can not go wash your hands after you help blow your little one's nose when he is cuddling with you and does not want you to move, and you exhausted as well. He even took a nap so I knew he was not feeling well and I took nap too. Thursday night was rough on the both of us I think. Saturday he is feeling better still a cough but he's better oh boy is he better. Sunday he back normal! AHHHHH!

INSOMNIA.
Some how insomnia has now stricken me in dealing with my sick child. I just can not rest. When I sleep its a light sleep and I wake up feeling like I didn't sleep at all. So I'm tired its no biggie it comes with being a mom, but then not being able to regenerate at night and sleep its taking its toll I'm cranky and irritable the sound of my child's happy voice is like nails on chalk board. The normal stuff that I don't normally snap on are now snap inducing and I snap and all he did was want to hug and play with me. Lack of sleep making it hard to focus and I'm trying to clean house and do laundry and my son want to play with me or he has to tell me something and its about nothing really or just that he loves me and loves his aunt and uncle. I drink coffee to stay awake get energy and then of course cant sleep when its time I'm on a vicious cycle and I just want to cry. I'm alone and I have no help, or should I say no one wanting to help.
Sometimes you just want someone to physically hold you, support you, and say its gonna be all right. It's all Ive have ever wanted I never got it.

One of the things I didn't know about Motherhood...

One of the things I didn't know about Motherhood is you lose braincells and become space head mommy. I swear after having my child I have gotten dumber yet I know the words to the theme song to Spongebob Squarepants!

My son goes to speech therapy on Thursdays its just an hour and I usually bring my ipod and a book and wait till his session is up. I had no more books to read so I was reduced to reading their lovely magazines. I picked up one of them a parenting magazines to read which I normally despise. At some points they are hard to relate to. I'm not one of them PTO moms that seem to be the norm in those magazines. Most have a partner which most of the women feel don't do their share so at times I feel I am better of being single cause the ones that are married seem miserable and then men in their lives are only good for income and giving them more babies. This is my crude assessment of reading parenting magazines. I wonder why I am reading these parenting magazines. It's tough being a parent in the first place. It's tougher when you have to do it alone. Yet I am kind of happy and I take that challenge.
Yet then again I wonder what do I tell him when he gets older and asks about a Father.
I shall cross that bridge when I come to it.

Not Guilty!

At times I wish I could say the infamous line "Go ask your Father."
Well I am Mother and Father so there is no escape for me and it's so unfair.
These are trying times, and I feel my child has such a loser Mother. To the world I'm a single jobless Mother. What a shame, what a pity, she not even trying, a disgrace to her child by not doing right by him! Those words and thoughts hurt my soul to the core. I can not escape them though I know I should not listen to them. I know the inside they only see they outside of it. To be honest it's none of their business for its my life MY failure I can not learn if I don't break a few bones. Sad thing I did learn is I can not lie but telling the truth only hurts you in the end.

Money is tight though how long will I last? End of the month is tough, food supply is low. Child wants me to order pizza (He call it pizza guy), he wants McDonald's. I say no I don't got pizza guy money and if I did even he does not need pizza he needs to eat variety cause the boy all he wants is junk food and that's not happening so then why should I feel guilty because I can't order pizza or take him to McDonald's? WHEN he really doesn't need it in the first place and only as a treat once a month do we get those.AND WE GOT FOOD! SO HUMPH! Not guilty!

Different types of Single Mom's

The word Single Mother seems still a bit taboo in this day and age. It's still looked down upon, but not all cases should be as such. There are many ways a woman can be a single mom. She can be widowed or divorced so it's not the typical out she got knocked up and the man abandoned her. Single motherhood can also be just a choice. No matter what the type though it seems we still get looked at with pity. Most might be oblivious to this fact, but I'm ever aware of it, though it can possibly be the stressed out mind of over thinking. Either way can't shake the feeling that they do and that makes me sad. I'm not some pitiful thing.

Yes though it is hard with some days better than most.
Yes there are days I wish to just run away.
Yes I wonder everyday if I'm doing right by my little boy.

Then I see he has grown an inch each day. I see him smile and play. I see him run to me giving me hug and kisses. At night as he falls to sleep I hear him whisper I love you mommy.
THAT is all I need to know I am doing the right thing.

First Blog Post

I write this as my little one is climbing around me. What a bright Idea to create a blog at 5:45pm and near dinner time. This is my blog of the trials and tribulations of motherhood and I'm doing it alone like millions of other single moms. I'm not alone out there yet I do feel along in this journey. Its something I wanted though. I sometimes wonder if I was crazy. No my child is not a oops or an accident. Though not really planned either just something wishful and I got my wish. I am doing this alone though. Not what I hoped for but here I am.

How's that for an opening