Breaking Down Momma

This would not be so bad if an innocent life was not caught in the middle. I confess I made a mess of my life all due to pride. I thought I was tough, I thought I could do it all on my own. Everyone was right I can not and I failed on epic propositions. If I had swallowed my pride sooner and asked for the help that I needed I would not be in this mess. All because I thought I could do this and I could do that. I did do what I had set out to do but sadly it was not enough. It could be enough but time waits for no one. I did finally give in though and applied for social security. Due to my back issues It has really impacted my life, which has lead to other things that totally has me in a messed up state. I love my son dearly but he is starting to seem like a devil to me as I try to explain that mommy back hurts her today. All I did was clean the house I am not sure really what cause it aside from I bended over a lot while cleaning and that is what caused the back pain. I was laid up for couple of days and it was a struggle to even wipe my own ass. I cried my eyes out foolishly as I finally gave in and dialed Social Security. I got told I was not alone and they had a lot of cases like mine. I guess I am not the only prideful person to not want to admit the are disabled.

I Try and Try

I tried and tried though. I knew I could not go back to the type of work I did before not even a desk job. I will never forget when my back issues first arrived I was working at a desk job. It was why I was one of the three chosen cause I had to take constant breaks my work slacked and I had missed a lot of work too. So logical choice when laying off people. I had decided though to get into writing again and be a writer once again. Building my writing empire has not been easy. I have come a long way and I am really working as a freelance writer. I work hard and I work for peanuts for what I get paid hardly cuts its. I just started though so I am hopeful to build myself up to be where I can be okay. Again though time does not stop to let you catch up and neither do the bills.

If Only

If only I has applied for Social Security sooner maybe things would be okay. Maybe we would not be in this mess. I have dragged and innocent 5 year old down with me all due to stupid pride. He is 5 he does not understand how poor and pathetic we are. I want to say I am so sorry Zachery I feel I failed you as a mommy. Just cause Mommy thought she could do it all by herself, all because she did not need anyone help. Now look at us. I'm going to probably lose Internet and any income that was coming in. Yes there is possibly the Library but I'm in a bad back pain spell so I'm really do not want to go anywhere cause I hurt so much. Will I be able to write with a 5 year old prancing about? What will I owe if I finally have to ask for help? No one gives without wanting something in return not even family.

That is the Life of this single mom