Monday, December 13, 2010

My Son Lost His First Tooth!


Everyone celebrate my son finally lost his first tooth! I do admit I did get a little teary-eyed cause well hes my baby! As a mom I felt proud my son lost his first tooth! Plus the tooth came out OUR way. Auntie grumbled at us that the tooth should of come out sooner,and my son should of played with the tooth and kept wiggling it to make it come out. He is 6 years old and a loose tooth is the farest thing from his mind at the moment especially it being it the holiday season. Also we upset Auntie cause I did not apply a good enough explaination of if I was going to do the tooth fairy or not. Of course I was but my lack of again proper response made her blow up for I was apparently not going to be doing it right. Still no matter what we did it OUR way. And Yes Zachery will wake up having been visited by the toothfairy there was no doubt in that.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Get Ready for the Dysfunctional Holidays!


This Thanksgiving was the most dysfunctional Thanksgiving ever in the fact that we didn't really have one. Is it sad that I really did not mind? How dysfunctional is that? I'm really not looking forward to Christmas, and if I can possibly have just a little private Christmas with just me and my son that be nice. Is that cold and heartless of me? I do have family. An older sister she the only family member in my life. Our brother is MIA and her and my brother don't get along, and cousins...well they don't call and neither do we. My sister, my nephew, and brother in law are my family(and my son of course). Our Mom is gone and she and my uncle were really the glue that kept this family together. There was such love, yet we were all so messed up because nobody talked about the problems. They were like dirty little secrets that were in our family. It there a reason, or is this just genetic make up? Is this what happens when you have three kids all my different fathers? Is this just a cycle that started with our mother that is never going to end? Family is supposed to be there for you in good and bad, but that doesn't happen all the time. I have made sure to instill in my son that he can come to me no matter what and I will not judge him. Perhaps that is the problem in my family...I do not know. I do not see in myself how others see me. I know I portray myself perhaps as naive and innocent, but I'm really not. It is really hard though to convince your mother and your older sister that their little girl has grown up. For some reason I do not think they want me to fly. Sister dear do you want me to fly? Why do you then clip me with your tight harsh words. You know what our mother did to me. That is why you got out of the house for you knew what our mother was like, yet you didn't warn me what our mother could be like. 8 years I lived with the verbal abuse and controlling and you even contributed Mom always was protecting me from you. What is the secret I do not know? Why do you all feel that I cannot fly? I often wondered if you hated me. I often wonder how do you truly see me?


I worked hard in trying to heal and get over what my mother did to me. I seriously did not know how to function in society my mother has sheltered me and protected me from it all. At 25 I was like the mindset of a 18 year old...hell maybe 16 year old. I was lucky though to have some sort of eerie old world wisdom to me that I should not of had, but I did. I was doing well until I lost my job then it all went to hell. I was paying all our utilities plus a rent fee you could say. So my sister had it pretty good. I paid for hers and my electric and water and garbage. Now I am jobless and she is having to do this all on her own now. While it seems that it's kind of fair play I mean I took care of the bills for how long, and now little sister is down-in-out it seems all good, but it is not fair for she does have the whole mortgage to pay now. There is so many hidden reason as to why this is. It is both my fault as much as hers. I was weak and let her words hurt me, and she saw I was weak and used those words to hurt me. Instead of working together we worked against each other. Oh we tried to work together but we are just so opposite that it just does not work. I do not understand how her mind works, and she does not understand how my mind works. Plus the way my mind works seems to totally piss her off. I am trying to do things my way though, yet I guess I still have this innocent naivety in me that posses people to think I cannot function on my own. I'm though tired of trying to be controlled and told how I should do it, and even where I should work. That worked out soooo well at my last job I worked at which I was told I should apply to though I was TOTALLY unqualified for, and lied a bit to get it. That was one of the reasons I was on the layoff list is because 1. I sucked at it, and 2. My chronic back issue came into play. Our course to sister dear thinks I'm just being lazy and I need to go get a job. How does she know this? Is she in my body? Yes she is one tough cookie with an apparent high pain threshold, well good for her. Still she is not in my body so how does she know my pain is nothing and I'm lazy? She constantly tells me I'm lazy and worthless so I'm just being as she tells me I guess. Mom did a bit of the same thing to the point I got brainwashed and believed it. I thought I got past all that, but when she started throwing that all back at me I regressed, I freaked. Now I am what is being said about me and I do not want to be and I know I am not. Instead of yelling at me why not talk to me ask me what is wrong with your back lets look up some doctors that you can go to to figure out what the heck is wrong. I mean come on sister you know mother coddled me to no end and yes I am a bit simple when it comes to the outside world and how to do things. So you like to think yourself superior and better than me and you like that I apparently NEED you and I cannot leave without you. So help me get better or do you LIKE that I need you? Could you handle a world without your little sister?


My sister threaten to get my blog and comment that I'm full of crap about being a single mom and all alone. She wanted props for helping since I've been jobless, and yes she has helped and does not let me forget it. Well I have done an unmentionable for her, yet I do not ask for a single thing from her. I could hold this over her head and blackmail her, and ruin her. She was family so I did it and I do not expect any praise, nor do I expect anything in return. She apparently does want credit and props cause she is just awesome constantly putting me down, yet then being so great by buying my son things that he needs a cause I can not. I'm tired of the silence, but I'm not sure I can express it cause no one like to face the truth. My truth is probably all wrong and I'm still a whiny little snob, and we still got Christmas to survive again in hurtful words and silence.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Happiest Day of my Life My Son Was Born This Day!


On November 23rd 2004 after 15 hours of labor my son Zachery William Prince Cramlett was born. After looking at my life of 35 years so far this was truly the happiest day of my life. For those who read this Zachery was a blessing not an oops. Single motherhood I chose on my own. Some days I wonder why though, and then there are some days I am reminded aha that is why. Right now I'm having one of the those wonders why moments as we come down from the birthday high, and my daily dose of I'm a worthless loser mother. No this is not pity its desperate plea to understand where this all went wrong.


Yes thanks for all the love and support to my precious family out there. I thank you mom for sheltering me from the cold cruel world to where I can not now function in today's society. I thank you for trying to mold me to think, breath, and be you and lose all sense of myself. I thank you sister dear for seeing this weakness in me and starting to trash me again and to pick up where our beloved mother left off to try and control me into what you thought I should do. No matter what I say my words will never reach you. I am alone in this because I can never speak the truth of my heart because it does not want to be heard and dealt with. I am sorry now Zachery I let you into this crazy world. I thank you though for choosing me to be your mommy. I know I'm a good mommy to you, for you are totally happy and such a sweet little boy. It will be okay though and I shall just brush this off as another bad day.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Somethings a Mother Never Sacrfices


As parents we sacrifice a lot, yet there is one thing we do not. That is the happiness and welfare of our children. That is one thing I will not sacrifice. I will not endure if it causes risk to my son's well being and happiness. Another side will say, well all have to do things we don't want to do all for the sake of whatever and that I am denying my child. I do not think that is true and I will not sacrifice my child's well being and happiness just to be able to buy him more toys. He has plenty and his well being and happiness will reward him better in the long run than that shiny new toy that will break in 10 minuets.



Life of a single mom is always a struggle. I trying to make a go of my own freelance writing business and it is actually going well. Sadly due to it going so well might of lost some clients but hey I can only write so fast and I want them to order on my terms not a third party website that takes 14 days to get my funds, but I digress. Still this is a slow process and I wonder if it will ever be enough. The holidays are now approaching as well as my son' birthday. Will I be able to have party for him? What about Christmas? Again I'm in a threatening situation will we pull through this year? Still fighting for disability for I will not risk my son's happiness by risking my health to try and work. Last time I tried I just did some volunteer work and stressed my back. I was in pain for two weeks, yet I still had to be super mom and it took its toll which caused me to lash out at my son. He drew of picture of mommy yelling at him and that is where I stopped. This is what it will be like if I try to go out and work. Is that the kind of life I want my child to have his mother always yelling at him with horrible words that she is going to kill him, she wish she never had him. Then cry for she never meant to say those things or yell at him. I do not want that life for my son. A mother never means those words. It was the pain talking...it was the pain. Maybe if she buys him a new video game he will forgive her. I want my child to love me for loving him not cause I can buy him things. I will suceed though in my alternative, I pray and hope.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

My Sweetest Little Boy


Well we are not the richest folks around. In fact to vast majority of the world I really am not employed but I am. I get to work at home as a freelance writer. People with familiar with freelance writing know the pay kind of sucks. My son has a piggy bank and he saves his money and he does things to earn money as well. They say it's never too young to teach the young ones the value of the dollar. With money tight the end of the month can be a real struggle. My son though saves the day offering to use his money to buy us food. The boy has really developed a love of food. I think it's due to our always near starvation at the end of the month. Either way he is the sweetest little boy who offers to use his money to help buy us food till we get our food at the first of the month. This makes a mothers heart touched yet sadden that we barely survive, but we do. Only God knows why that we do.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I Believe Baby Boys are Born Brilliant Then Get Dumber Over Time


This is my theory. Boys are born brilliant then get dumber as they get older I swear this to be true at least in my family that is. I watched it happen to my nephew and I now see it in my son. In truth really its just a part of growing up and its hard growing up. We all know this we have all been there. I have not forgotten either in hopes that I can help my son adjusted to and feel compassion to what he is going through. To think when I was his age, not think with my adult mind for the adult mine does not get it nor really have compassion.


My son is 5 and in kindergarten and Independence is a big thing at this age. While he want to be a big boy now he still sometimes acts like he is 3 but thing is he was SOOOO MUCH well better behaved at 3 than he is at 5. What is up with that? He was much better behaved at 3 than he is at 5 its like he got dumbed down or something for he does know better. I sometimes wish he was THREE again! Or even two! Can there be terrible five's? As at wits ending as this can get it is pretty normal and all a part of growing up and finding out who he is. So I take a breath and have patience as I try to help him along and be there when ever he needs me.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

School Is Now In Session


It is back to school now. We survived the first three days and it went okay...well sort of. He wanted to go in by himself and be a big boy. Something told me though to follow and I did and he had walked right past his class room. I called him and luckily got him to his classroom save. That so did not help the already nervousness I had. I did not cry though I did not cry. I have realized though nowthat I need to stock up on some snack for the child is near starvation when he gets off of school. Okay when is the boy not acting like he is near starvation I do not know. After the first day of school which was only half a day I had asked my son, " So how was school what you learn?"

His reply was, "Tomorrow is Cheeseburgers!" Out of all that was said they boy remembered what was going to be for lunch the next day! * shakes head* The boy loves his food. I see not basketball, or football like everyone else in the family wants him to be and sees him being, but I see chef in the future! For he just loves his food and to hang out in the kitchen with me while I cook.

It is all so strange though and surreal. My boy is in kindergarten and going to my old school I went to when I was a young. It hits you once again how much your sweet child has grown. In fact I think my son towers over all the kindergartens in his class actually. Wow does that bring back memories of always being the tall one. I really hate when people go wow he is so big or so tall when I say his age and that he is only 5. At least he is not chubby like I was. He is slender so he is big as in tall. I just think my city is filled with short people.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Ready for School to Start? Yes and No....


It is August and the summer is slowly coming to an end as School is to start up again...when I do not know and I should look into it but I have not yet. While I am of course eager for school to start again I am not. This year we start a new school. I know my son is nervous and so am I actually! It might sound strange but hey I take my parenting seriously and I'm in charge of protecting this little life. Kids are not just something you pop out and then its like La la la whatever. I am a parent involved in my son's life and I hope that is respected. Sometimes I feel I fail though but I try my hardest to do my best as a mom.


Why The Worry?


I am not sure why I am worried though, but maybe its I'm picking up on my son's worries. I made sure to keep fresh in his mind about starting a new school in helps in preparing him. I have noticed he is not one for change. He liked his old school and his teachers and friend, and he did not want a new ones. We talked and hope that I helped him understand that change is a part of life and to think of it as a new adventure and to meet new people. I am sure he will do fine though for he is a people person and loves people. He shall charm his new classmates in no time. Even the boy that did not like my son at first in preschool became his buddy in the end. Things will different though as no longer will he take the school bus. We are only a few blocks from the school so it's not that far. Which I like and do not like. While I missed taking and pick him up from school last year I did kind of like it too. I got an a few extra hours of time to myself which was nice. Was great when I was deathly sick and did not have to get in the car and drive. This year also though I believe is an all day kindergarten so that is definitely going to be a big change. He is used to coming home around 10 and 11am and then having lunch with mommy. I also am not looking forward to the early morning rises. What I love about my son is if you keep him up and extra hour you get an extra hour sleep in the morning which Mommy LIKE!


Well lets not worry and enjoy what little time left we have of the summer.





Monday, June 21, 2010

Breaking Down Momma


This would not be so bad if an innocent life was not caught in the middle. I confess I made a mess of my life all due to pride. I thought I was tough, I thought I could do it all on my own. Everyone was right I can not and I failed on epic propositions. If I had swallowed my pride sooner and asked for the help that I needed I would not be in this mess. All because I thought I could do this and I could do that. I did do what I had set out to do but sadly it was not enough. It could be enough but time waits for no one. I did finally give in though and applied for social security. Due to my back issues It has really impacted my life, which has lead to other things that totally has me in a messed up state. I love my son dearly but he is starting to seem like a devil to me as I try to explain that mommy back hurts her today. All I did was clean the house I am not sure really what cause it aside from I bended over a lot while cleaning and that is what caused the back pain. I was laid up for couple of days and it was a struggle to even wipe my own ass. I cried my eyes out foolishly as I finally gave in and dialed Social Security. I got told I was not alone and they had a lot of cases like mine. I guess I am not the only prideful person to not want to admit the are disabled.

I Try and Try

I tried and tried though. I knew I could not go back to the type of work I did before not even a desk job. I will never forget when my back issues first arrived I was working at a desk job. It was why I was one of the three chosen cause I had to take constant breaks my work slacked and I had missed a lot of work too. So logical choice when laying off people. I had decided though to get into writing again and be a writer once again. Building my writing empire has not been easy. I have come a long way and I am really working as a freelance writer. I work hard and I work for peanuts for what I get paid hardly cuts its. I just started though so I am hopeful to build myself up to be where I can be okay. Again though time does not stop to let you catch up and neither do the bills.

If Only

If only I has applied for Social Security sooner maybe things would be okay. Maybe we would not be in this mess. I have dragged and innocent 5 year old down with me all due to stupid pride. He is 5 he does not understand how poor and pathetic we are. I want to say I am so sorry Zachery I feel I failed you as a mommy. Just cause Mommy thought she could do it all by herself, all because she did not need anyone help. Now look at us. I'm going to probably lose Internet and any income that was coming in. Yes there is possibly the Library but I'm in a bad back pain spell so I'm really do not want to go anywhere cause I hurt so much. Will I be able to write with a 5 year old prancing about? What will I owe if I finally have to ask for help? No one gives without wanting something in return not even family.
That is the Life of this single mom

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Sickly Start of the Summer


So far the Summer has been sickly. My son was not effected so much he had but some sniffles.When the kid coughs and sneezes in your face though you know your are doomed. The scratchy thoat was a sign. I had just gotten reover a bad case of Strep throat too. We made through the Memorial day parade but then after that was down hill for Mommy. I caught the dreaded sniffles which I think now turned into a sinus infection so Mommy is REALLY sick. Sadden that our family plans have been thwarted due to mommy being sick I happen to of made ammend with him by letting him eat ice cream and cookies for breakfast lunch and dinner cause I am too sick to cook and I really do not care and my voice is gone so I can not even yell to protest!


Still Gotta Work

One of the joys of being a freelance writer is getting to work at home. Even though I am sick I still can work. I probably should not of , but well when this is your source of income it makes it quite impossible. No writing equals no money so I still worked and being that I could work from home it really was not that awful. I was able to stay in bed and still work typing away at my assigments sipping my oragane juice and blowing my nose without contaminating the whole office. With the good comes with the bad though as I have my son who does not quite understand mommy is sick and in thinking mommy is sick she is a bit off her game and that he can get away with stuff. Sadly he learned even though mommy is sick she still sees all.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Graduating Pre-k! Next Kindergarten!



Yes school is out for summer! Today is the last day for preschoolers here. I am really going to miss his school. They were the most wonderful educators and they actually listened to my concerns no matter how big or small. Next school year shall be kindergarten. I am nervous and I of course I know my son is too. I told him Mommy is worried and scared too but we will face it together. I am very proud of him and cannot believe my boy is growing up so fast. Watching him I am just amazed he came from me that I brought him into this world. I dreamed of him and now here he is.


Summer and Working at Home

I now need to find something for him to do over the summer. Not only for my sanity but for his too I think. I am not really sure how I'm going balance him home all day and still trying to work. Work has picked up in the writing business and my son is not liking the increased workload. I have been writing since he has been born so he is used to this so I am not sure I guess it just hit him suddenly that he does not approve. I try to tell him Mommy is getting paid and we need money to buy things....but he still does not approve. We have a very nice routine actually. When he is off to school I get some work in then he is home and we have lunch and spend some time together talking bout school. Then usually at 1 or 2pm I go back to work. I am always available though if he needs me and I am usually done by 4 or 5pm in which I make dinner and we have family time the rest of the night till bedtime. I do workout though around 6pm and he does not like that either and told me he does not care if mommy is fat. Gotta love kids!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Working at Home Mom Not as Cool as You Thought




I think every mothers ideal job would be to be able to work at home and still take care of the kids, I know I did. Well I got my wish and I now realize its not so cool...especially if you get sick.



My son seems to be going through something and I am at total loss in what to do. It really is upsetting when you see your child suffer and you do not know how to help them. While all the while your falling apart your self. In these bad economic times there is stress and fractures in the family for kids do not totally comprehend things are different now due to a parent losing a job. I have I thought shielded my son from all that, but this time I do not think I have. My unemployment is totally gone so things are really tight. While I try to not show it I think I do and my son picks up on the stress and worry and thus act out. Or maybe he is just going through a phase I am not sure. He is just is not my same Zachery. He is good at school and that is a good thing but at home he is a hellion. I am a writer in case you have not noticed so my job is writing and it has now suddenly picked up and keeping me very busy. Well suddenly this does not bode well with my son. He want to play and mommy can not play. He knows our life routine and I play with him in the evening we have our time together. He also has been whining a lot, having tantrums for he does not get his way. Add on top of this I am sick as well not sure what the heck is wrong with me and I'm on so many medications It's hard to keep them straight and like two of them make your drowsy and so I am just walking through life like I am in a haze. I want to cry but tears won't come. I want to kill but my heart loves too much. I have kept being mom and working totally ignoring my health.


Sometimes Kids Know Best

Last night my son said Mommy no computer for I usually do some work while I sit by him and he goes to sleep. I agreed with him and we actually both fell asleep together. He went to sleep happily I could tell for he was all snuggled against me when I woke up realizing I had fallen asleep. Was that what the whole behavior outbursts are about? Could it be he acted our cause he could not play with mommy? Was he bored and wanted a playmate to play with? Well he is an only child and he needs to get used to it. Not matter what though at the end of the day Love always seem to find a way back.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Mother's Day 2010 Single Mom Style


A Mother's work is never done as I cleaned house. We clean every Sunday...well mostly. My son picks up his toys and then I vacuum. Sounds nice right? Well there is usually crying and some yelling but it does get done. Yesterday my Mother's day started out nice. I got to sleep in a bit and my son sweetly planted a kiss on my cheek and said Happy Mommy's Day. Sundays as I have said we clean house and I had wanted to for the house was messy long enough. Being that it's mommy's day could my son be good and help me clean house and pick up his toys? The answer was no and I so did not want to fight so I just cleaned up everything myself while my son played PlayStation2. I also have been a bit under the weather fighting a sore throat, allergies, but I did managed to have some fun with my son. We had went outside for a bit came in had lunch then played PlayStation 2 together. My son then mostly hung out with his aunt upstairs. A bit sadden yes, though this left me to have some TV time. I got to watch something other than Spongebob Squarepants. I also got to play some PlayStation2 myself but gods that game was stressful! We had a nicer evening after the argument of getting out of the shower now! We watched Good Luck Charlie on the Disney channel which my son adores and has been dying to see. After that it was bed time. I am very lucky for my son likes bed time for he is pooped at the end of the day and is more than happy to go to bed. I thanked him for a wonderful Mommy's day. He then asked, "Mommy's day is over?" I said, "Yes Zachery Mommy's day is over. Even though Mommy's day is a special day for mommy's we should always be good to our Mom's." My son replies, "I love you." I say, "I love you too Zachery."

Monday, May 3, 2010

Family Resemblance




My son wanted to play with my camera the other day so I decided to let him with my help of course as we took pictures of different things...well mostly him being silly. If I tried to take a picture of anything other than him though he would jump in the way and say CHEEESE!! Apparently he is to be my only object beauty. I took an awesome up close picture of him and in looking at it I finally saw what everyone else had said. He does look like me!!!! To prove this more I took a picture of myself and compared the two and was just stunned. He is totally my son! Like there was any doubt though I endured 15 hours of labor you bet your sweet bippy he is mine. What I mean is though he is I really do not see any resemblance to his "sperm donor" I refuse to say father for he was not I think my biological clock took over my body and thought this man was the best to breed with. I knew Id have beautiful children when I saw the man and he was way younger too so like seriously was there any hope? He wanted a mommy replacement too I think but I am not still bitter nooooo.


For your enjoyment here are the pictures can you see the family resemblance?

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Joys of Teaching Sharing


My son is five....is this still the right age to toally not understand sharing. I would think he would understand the concept by now. They talk about in school and I have not gotten any complaints that he is not getting it. At home we talk about sharing and I always show by example and share my things with him. I have seen him be nice and share in public with others. Perhaps this is a phase he is going through I do not know. We are in some hard times, but I try to make sure he is happy and does not know. Perhaps he knows more than I think. I have been a bit high strung and stressed not feeling well so perhaps my Patience is just a bit thin and I'm getting more irritated easier for I'm in pain all the time. All I can do is continue on telling him its okay to share. What was the drama about and what did he have to share being that he is the only child?




SCOOBY DOO VIDEO GAME!




My sister and her husband have a PlayStation2 and quite a game collection. He sees them and wants to play some of their games. My sister likes the cartoon type games (even though she is a grown woman of 44) and of course they let him play some of their games. I have also started my sons on his own a game collection he loves Scooby and Spongebob so with help of video game store clerk we find the best games for my son to play that contain Scooby and Spongebob. Well now my sister comes and wants to play one of his games. She asks my son can she play and of course he says no, but offers her another game to play just not his Scooby Doo. My sister being the peter pan-tress that she is says, no she wants to play Scooby Doo. All hell breaks loose. I handle this the best I can with not feeling so well. My sister wins of course cause she is the grown up and plus she always has to win or she will throw her own tantrum. How do you deal with an adult who throws tantrums if they do not get their way? Still though my son needs to learn about sharing and we are also working on his tantrums too. Ah the joys of parenting there are some days I wonder why? No one listens to me why do I even bother? BLEH!


Monday, April 19, 2010

The Independence of Zachery

I have come to a realization my son is at his independent stage. He is five(5) years old so this quite natural for a child to start wanting to do things themselves. As my son want to take charge. I have to now take a step back and let him. This is a strange feeling as his dependence on me is not so much anymore. It is nice yet strange for wow he does not need me that much anymore.



I'm a Big Boy Now


We were off to the supermarket today and I got my son in the booster seat and buckled him up I was about to close the door when he stopped me. "I can do it myself," said my son. Sure enough he closed the car door he also showed me he could open it back up again too. Oh gee am I in trouble. I then go to lock the car door on him for I can just see him trying to open the door while were driving for he thinks its cool now he can open the car door. I then find out he can also unlock the door so I brush my parental nightmare out of my head of my son opening the car door while in traffic and trust he is not that psychotic. We arrive at the store and to my surprise he unbuckled his own seat belt and got out of the car my himself! I was just stunned. While yes this is quite normal its just wow to me that my little baby is growing up and he is getting dependant on his own and I'm just so amazed at him. Yet he still thinks he not big enough to go bring his dishes into the kitchen after dinner though of course.

Friday, April 9, 2010

When being a Single Mom Stands Out


When being a Single Mom stands out is when things fall apart and it's just me. If I had a husband if one of us failed there would be support of another. If something happens to me it is just me and the only parent my son has even known and the person that he loves and adores that promised to protect him and be there for him who he can go to anytime and they will not judge him could be not the same Mommy as she used to be.


When it Rains it Pours


My fridge is making strange noises, my unemployment is totally gone now, My gas bill is way past due, I have other bills that I share with my sister, but she is not even giving them the time of day, I could have a possible work at home job but I need a computer and now my computer has decided to start messing up on me. How am I to work if I do not have my computer or money to get it fixed? Add onto that crippling back pain I really am having a hard time wondering which end is up.


Disability


I believe I am going to apply for disability again. It is worth a shot and My back is not getting any better and I have these flares up especially if I do past my limit. My back had been doing well and I tend to forget and go beyond my limit and I end up paying for it badly. Who knew shopping could cause me to be laid up and hit with body freezing spams? That is rule number one for me I cannot stand for long periods of time. Nor can I sit for today I was sitting on my bed watching my son play video games and I go to get up at a tearing pain him me. All I did was sit but I sat too long. That is why I have a laptop not a PC because with a laptop I do not have to be still. The most comfortable way for me to type is on my knees I kneel beside my bed with my laptop on my bed and it's perfect with no stress on my back really. Right now I am a bit scared for I have nothing, and I cannot do a normal job. So what am I to do? I am not making this up my back pain is really limiting me. This is where being a Single Mom really stands out.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Blessed Easter


We had a wonderful Easter here and I am very grateful that I was able to give my son an Easter that I hope he remembers fondly. He had been so excited for "Bunny Day" as he called it.This years theme was SpongeBob Squarepants. I planted the Easter basket outside out front door to make it look like the Easter bunny left it. There was one gift that did not fit in the basket so I said it was from me. He was so excited for it was a play dough set that he had been wanting.


Another exciting thing was we had a Easter egg hunt. I normally do not do this but my sister bought some with toys already inside them for us to do. It was really fun! After the egg hunt I started the Easter lunch. My sister bought a prepare meal already so I cooked that up for she had to go to work that day. We did not like the side dishes that came with the prepared me so I whipped up some of our normal traditional sides we have like scallop Potatoes and a green bean casserole which was a first for me. After the delicious meal we then went outside and worked it off playing bubbles and doing chalk art, then it was inside for dessert time!

I am so blessed to of been able to have a wonderful Easter for my son. I thank you Father for all the you endured to help make it so.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Mama Bear Syndrome

What is the Mama Bear Syndrome? The Mama Bear Syndome is based on the bears of the wild. A mother bear is very protective of her cubs and will maul anyone limb from limb if someone trys to harm their cubs. I have discovered that this is me as well. Most mother's out there can relate and also have the Mother Bear Syndrome. We love our children dearly and hell hath no fury if someone harms our loved ones most of all our children. I mentioned in my previous entry that my son was sick. I was thinking it was the flu but something stood out to me that it was something more, something ws not right. I listened to that instinct and took my son to the Doctor. Seems he is severely constipated. I guess he is so constipated that what ever he eats comes right back up. He was given some powered laxtitive that is to help. You can put it in water or juice so my son has the best tasting medicine around, yet it is still torture for him to take it. This morning was a bit hard to get him to drink down his juice, so he drank some then drank the rest later.


Mama Bear Mode


I was quite the grizzley person when my son was not doing well. I was quite concerned and worried a bit insanely about what could be wrong with him, what if this medication does not work and he is still no going poo? How is he going to live? Should I send him back to school? I wanted blood from my doctor that he is so greedy to double book two paitents at the same time and we arrived frist and the other lady go to go in right away. I was ticked he just blew this off as constipation when he was vomiting up everytime he eats. Vomiting after eating is not right, and he vomited again that night after we got home after dinner. Is my doctor sure this is just constipation? I tried to call Ask a Nurse, but that feature has been removed over here. To find a site online to ask a Doctor or Nurse online was going to cost me which made growl even more that I could not find any answers to my childs plight, and healthcare was going to need HEALTH CARE once I was done with it. I was seeing red and no one was going to dismiss my child just cause we were on medical card. I got talked down thankfully and he did poo Saturday. Today he is a little stuck and I have been keeping him on smaller portion meals. My son is quite known for his crazy appetite so he now has to eat very small so we do not have the upchuck incident again. That is untill he starts to get his bowels moving again. Still his mighty appetite remains which it is amazing and all I hear is. "MY TUMMY HUNGRY." *face palms*.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Vomit is the Worst


My little baby boo is sick...at least I think. This kid bounces back so quickly it can make your head spin. Colds never come to fruition (though they do in mommy sadly) and the kid can vomit one minute and then want pizza and macaroni and cheese the next. I do not understand how he can think of food after puking his guts out but that seems to be the case.


Never Getting Past It


When you become a mom nothing phases you anymore. Boogers, snotty noses, bleeding knees, poop diapers, spit up then throw ups...wait yes that still bothers you. I can handle all those other things but vomit it still grosses me out. At least I did not get spewed on this time what a relief!


Still No School


While he is better I can not send him back to school tomorrow. He has to be symptom free for so many hours I have forgotten I think its 48 hours, Last year I learned this for he was sick then I took him to school the next day and got told to go back home with him. It really suck and so people say it babying the kids. For the work world is unforgiving if your are sick and miss work.

But they are also trying to make sure that the spread of sickness is not wide spread when it knocks a whole entire classroom out. Had that happen once when I worked with kid the virus spread like wild fire and each kid was hit . So I don't know either way we got another day at home. My son is sad for he has to miss school. That makes me smile cause when teen years hit that may probably change.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Single Mom and Dreaded "D" Word: DATING!!!!!


Because I am a single mom does not mean I and dead to the world. Which is what I thought, I thought I was trash used damage goods and I was a mom now and I did not deserve to do anything but be a mom. I had closed myself off for 5 years. I am now healed some what and I am ready to open myself up to possible love again. Thing is how now that I have a child? Today's blog I'm posting links to my latest article that got published of recent on Beyond Jane.com





As I mention in my articles that I do not want my son involved in my dating. I never let the child meet the man if If I happen to get taken out. It really difficult to do though and I just maybe breaking my rule of thumb, but also this man could be someone I want to be in my life and he actually asks how me and my son are doing whenever we talk. Which most guys don't even care to know or respect that fact that I am a mom. Maybe its because I'm an older single mom, but my desperation of having a boyfriend is not my top priority. Yes I would like to date again and have a man, but no man is coming before my child. It will be awhile before I trust him alone with my child. I'm honored and all that you accept me and my son but he is not your responsibility he is mine. We were doing just find before he stepped in. I even kind of don't want a man cause me and my son have such a perfect world and we can be goofy and silly in a pajamas on Saturday mornings. I leave it up to the fates to decide.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Okay Im Selling AVON...HELP ME!


With the lovely unemployment crisis, that and my health has limits on what I can do I am finding it tough to find work. I am a writer but it's not instant gratification. I have also been doing online surveys and I have made money on that, but as writing it all takes time to build that up. Ive made 15 bucks so far in taking surveys which is not that bad. I have not cashed out yet cause I at least want to make it up to twenty.


AVON Calling

I got a email on a job notice and clicked it on to see it was an advertisement to become an Avon Representative. I pondered this for awhile then decided to give it a go. My mother sold Avon so I am familiar with it. They also have the only product that works on my sensitive skin and does not make me break out. Thing is I do not know that many people and I'm a bit anti social. I don't go out much for some various reasons. A plus side is that you can have your own online store (View mine here www.avonrepresentative.com/jcramlett) and I felt I might have success in that with all my writing connections and friends I have online. So we shall see. A part of me is doubtful and not only do I have to self promote my writing I also have to self promote my selling Avon.

Like Every Other Mom

Like every other mom I want to be a full time mom and I am and I want to keep it like that. Me and my son have this amazing bond. I write during the day and we spend time in the evenings and its just great. I get to work closely with him on his life trying to point the right way. I am a stubborn mom and I refuse to give that up. I fight tooth and nail to get by and do what I love which is write and be a mom to my Zachery.

Will Avon be my key and success? I do not know. All I know is I got faith.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Never Tell A Child Maybe


I have learned that you never tell a child maybe. Maybe is a death sentence to tears and broken hearts. My Sisters husband has a tendency to tell my son he is going to do something with him then totally forgets he ever promised the boy anything. Of course him and my sister blame the child like he has a devious evil mind. The boy is 5 and while stupid the boy is not there are still some limits to his brain genius. Of course he is going to think you mean now. I am not sure what promise the man made he claims he did not promise he said "Maybe" about taking my son somewhere and then my son comes to me saying he is going out with his uncle like now. So I have to go upstairs ask what going on. This is constant occurrence though that is getting tiresome. The man is known to say fun day things to my son, but never plans on really doing it. He also always says I'm gonna do this, or I will bring you back that and then he forgets. My son did not forget and wonders why his uncle did not bring him back anything like he said he was going to. You do not really have to take child psychology 101 to know the kid is going to remember what you said and expect you to follow through with what you say. It seems children learn disappointment early in age. I know somethings can not be helped and I consider those healthy disappointments it's a part of life and healthy,but when the same person disappoints every time it's a bit heart breaking. You wonder do they care? So thus I learned never tell a child MAybe.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Parent and Child bond and Going Beyond


The bond between a parent and a child is amazing. Especially a Mother and her offspring. You hear of stories of Mothers like having a sixth sense and knowing something is not right with their child and finding out they were right. They are all interesting stories but you can not truly understand it until your a parent I think the amazing bond two humans can have.


Paranormal bond?

I think perhaps me and my son have a paranormal bond, or maybe its just a parent child bond to the extreme full capacity. The other day I am in the kitchen cooking dinner and I think to myself I better tell my son to pick up his toys for its almost dinner time. I then I hear Mommy mommy and turn and look and there he is. He then tells me, "Mommy I cleaned up my toys." I reply, "Huh? Oh!" I follow him to the bedroom where the toy mess was, and sure enough his toys were picked up. I was like wow I was just going to tell him that. A random coincidence you would say except we had another mind melt moment.


Feelings from afar

Another incident happened was I was out on my birthday. It was really foggy on the way home and I was a bit scared. When I tucked my son into bed when I got home he then woke up asking me if I was scared. I looked at him a bit perplexed, and told him yes but mommy is okay now. How did he know I was scared? I do not think of it as psychic or paranormal it is just the bond and closeness of a Mother and her child.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Consequences of Actions


Right now I am working with my son to understand consequences of actions. Normally he is a very good boy in school. At home he is different but at least at school he knows to behave. As of late though I have been getting notes mentioning he is not doing his work. He messes around thinking he is cute and totally blow what he is to do off. He does this at home too. I called his teacher for I wanted to know more and wonder why he is acting out. I had some theories of his hanging around his Aunt and Uncle and Cousin had something to do with it for they are not the best role models in my book. I wondered does his personality change after being with them? Was it due to my going out for my birthday? It was like after that everything just went to hell. The teacher thinks that if my son feels he has a hard time doing something then he shuts down and does not want to do it. This could be true, but I am a parent at their wits end.


Punishment


He did get punished for his behavior and he got no treat at the store, lost his PlayStation time too. I also advised his Aunt and Uncle too he gets no treats. They are always stocked with snacks and goodies that his Uncle loves to give him when he is there to visit. My son has a sweet tooth like no get out and wants a dessert after every meal. Trying to teach him that no he does not need a treat after every meal he eats and he need to slow down on his treats consumption, or I give him a healthy alternative like fruits. I have also noticed is I think he does not understand the consequences of actions. He thinks if he bugs the hell out of mama enough I will crack and give in and sometimes I really want to. He really drives you to that point. I wonder does he grasp that if he naughty punishment follows? I think he does but he is just a 5 year old boy testing out his limits once again. Once again today we had the war of the worlds with my son wanting to spend time with his aunt and once again she yelling at him to get away from her. He is just an excited boy that loves and want to spend time with her. Due to her rejection I do swear he does stuff the annoys her on purpose, or maybe she is just an uptight bitch in her older age that does not allow freedom of growth to be a kid anymore. I just wish it to stop as I am tired of being referee of something I do not see as all that horrible. I see no wrong in my son wanting to spend time and cuddle hug with his aunt. She is not that type of person though either which I know all to well from my childhood with her, but my son is and its hard for him to understand. I was like this as well. I did not know that you can't just hug everyone and thus I became seriously shy and kept to myself. Will that become of my son? It may not be so bad if my sister was nicer about it and not yelling like a banshee to him to get out of her sight. He then might understand on the days she does not want to be bothered. Her husband is a bit more easy going and he is not like that with my son really cause he is open and welcome to the love and when Uncle says no my son respects it. Uncle though does have a bad habit of making promises and not following through disappointing a little boys heart. Well for now their is peace.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

My Baby Gotta Crush!!


It is official my son has his first crush!!! I was not sure at first, but once again he commented about her and I'm like awwww!!! My baby has his first crush!!! I know my nephew liked Whitney Houston when he was his age, and I oddly had a crush on John Denver because he was with the Muppet's.Whomever was with the Muppet's was a god to me.

Selena Gomez!

She is my son's first crush. She stars on the Disney Channels Emmy winning show Wizards of Waverly Place. Of course like most Disney channel kids she can sing too and has her own group and album. When ever her video plays (which is constantly) my son comments she is pretty. I then begin to go aww my baby has a crush!! He then denies it saying she is ugly no no no. It is so cute! The video came on again of recent and again he comments to me she is pretty. We watch Wizards of Waverly Place a lot now. Before he really did not care for this show not wanting to watch it. I would say we are watching it for it is a lot better than whatever else he wanted to watch, or it was more tolerable than what he wanted to watch. A woman can only take so much Spongebob Squarepants before she wants to run away screaming. Now when given a choice he goes yeah to Wizards of Waverly Place.
I Approve!
I also approve of his choice in crush as well for she is a cute girl. I just can't get over it my baby got his first crush!!! And there will be more to come oh no...

Friday, January 29, 2010

The effects of Dr. Seuss


My son is currently on a reading kick. Which I squeal in delight and could not be happier. He has always like to read but now suddenly he is REALLY into it.He wants to read at least one book every night, which I am more that happy to fulfill his little delight. In our book case though is the Dr. Seuss books, and The Bernstein's Bears with Mama and Papa and Brother and Sister too! We have other books but Dr. Seuss seems to be the one and he makes reading lots of fun. We read a book at least one a night, sometimes two and once in awhile it's the same book twice.


What I did not know is there is quite a side effect from reading Dr. Seuss that I did not know of yet. In Being a writer myself I found myself rhyming a lot in spite of myself. I pondered and furrowed wondered what's up. Why was I rhyming so much? It then finally hit me today that in reading Dr. Seuss makes you want to rhythm without reason! Here I'm trying to write and I end up making rhythms which does not help me a lot! So be careful, beware when your read a lot of Dr. Seuss for you'll find yourself rhyming like moose and squirrel. Most of all green eggs and ham...yes I do like them Sam I am.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Sin's of a Mother


It seems it is a sin to have some adult time and enjoy fellow friends and company. I feel like I'm being punished cause I went out and had some fun. I had not been out in a very long time. I do not want to go out all the time really. I am devoted to being a Mommy. As parents though we sometimes get worn out a bit and it is vital that we have some personal time. So It was my birthday so I went out. I also went out last week end too with a friend for a belated birthday dinner. Wow I went out two weekends in a row! My sister watched my son but I almost did not get to go out. It was like I was prisoner and she was the warren. She then said I should say thank you to her. Well it was night and I focusing to wake my child up cause I cant carry him down the stairs to my place. Plus I really dislike her and want to get away from her as soon as possible. But here its like she demanded a thank you, and that I act like she was just supposed to. If did I would of done what she did to our Mother and just say bye! Then go out every Friday night. I do not recall she ever asked our Mother to babysit, in fact I remember our Mom complaining to me that she gets taken for granted and just assumes our Mother would watch her kid. I did ASK her if she could watch my son. I had to also tell when I was going, who I was with, when I was coming back like I was some teenager. To be honest I don't mind but when its presented with a force of controlling me and being nosey and prying into my life it a bit off putting. I am a very good prisoner though and I do not request to go out every night like she did. She forgets her own wrong doings and is only a saint to herself in her eyes.


Apparently it's a Sin to go out for my child is suddenly being very hard to deal with. Or maybe its just my ear is hurting so my patience level is small. Or maybe he is just being a little bit naughty of late and I wonder is this cause I went out? I know he was a bit upset of me leaving him. He was having Mommy withdrawals and comments on he missed me. So is his recent acting up a getting back at Mommy for going out? I had to ground him today from my sister cause his manners were lacking and said "Gimme pizza" and did not add the please and told her no to something. She is apparently queen and you don't say no to her. Seriously you don't I would not let her use my end table for her second Christmas tree. Yes she for some reason wanted to have two small trees up for Christmas. Was not necessary and she was not using my table and she at what 44 years of age kept on and whined trying to persuade me to let me let her use my end table. I have a lamp on the table where would I put my lamp? I don't have much decor anyway! She then got venomously ugly stating I was scum of earth and that she was not sharing Christmas dinner with me. Of course she cooled down and she found something else to set her tree on and all was good. I try and tell my son that she is not quite that nice, but by damned he is out to win her over with love or something. He just wants to love her and hang out with her. She does give him hugs and kisses but then it's buh bye and no he want to spend quality time. I then get a called saying to keep my child away from her. I think they bring out the badness in him or something. The reason I am stressed and had to get after him is just cause he annoyed his bitch Aunt somehow. He is just excited and loves her. Its rare he gets to spend time with her so he is a little erratic when he sees her. Its a constant thing. He always trying to sneak up there and hang out and its just a battle. My gods! spend time with the kid watch a movie, do some crafts quality time. Though maybe not cause they can't go without their pot for that long. In coming home last weekend I swear I smelled pot smoke in the air. If they smoked pot while my son was there sleeping! I can't confront on that or I will never get to leave my home ever again. She is just hell on wheels and her tongue cuts, she just might of well stabbed me cause when she attacks me it kills me a little bit each time. She does wonderful things though and buys my son clothes. He's be naked probably without her and she gets things at discount price too. Of course this is not a act of kindness no no. She keeps tabs of what she has done for you and you better pay back when she asks for something in return. It's not just to be nice. I don't know and its stressing and I can't write...and I'm done venting. This was a venting Blog, whew!

Monday, January 18, 2010

My Mommy's Day Out


As you know I had a birthday of recent and Saturday night was my night out for my birthday. I am a devoted mom and rarely go out so this was a much needed night out. I knew my sister could not protest cause it was my birthday and I don't go out much. Sheesh. She still did protest a bit copping an arched eyebrow and a Mmm hmm attitude like Im some naughty teenager. I also was home a bit late due to wicked fog and the event we went to was a bit out of town. I was not able to adivse due to my cell not working out there. Everyone else did but not mine ATT&T sucks! My son did have a bit of a Mommy withdrawl though. I told him in advanced so he could prepair himself that I was going out, he did but that did not mean he did not like it. He kept asking Mommy do you have to go? Can I go with? It broke my heart a bit cause he said this why hugging and clinging to me tight. He was fine though and he had his beloved Auntie watching him so it was not bad.


Upon coming home he was asleep of course so I picked him up to carry him down stairs and he woke up which was good cause was not sure how I was going to carry him down the stairs cause he is not light and I got bad back. Luckily he woke up and we walked down the stairs. I realized I think I missed him more than he missed me as I turned around on the last step and held out my arms in which he flew into. I said I missed him and he said I missed you too Mommy. I then go to tuck him in his bed and he goes aww I want to sleep in your bed. I realized then yes I was missed indeed and since he had a hard time with me leaving I let him, and I was really tired not used to late nights and having fun. My son then said yay! Which tickled my heart. Indeed I was missed and am loved. This little boy really loves me!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

My son made me a Birthday cake!!!



Okay well he is 5 years old so he did have some help in making the cake, but he did help in the making and decorating with guided hand. He did the candle work himself too and then I got a special Birthday song. Enjoy!










Monday, January 4, 2010

It Figures!


Of course it figures!
All through winter break my son wakes up at the crack of dawn at 5 am. Now when it is time to go back to school he then decides he wants to sleep in an I have to wake him up. Typical! Well also it is my own fault for staying up late but we were on winter break so the luxury is to sleep in or so I thought. Either way it's back to School and back to work. We now must get our mindsets back into the old routine. I prepared my son for this and told him he had to simmer down now and focus for it's back to school and listening and learning. He did okay I think though this winter break I think may have dumbed him a bit and I do admit we could of focused on his speech a little bit more. It must of shown as I got a note that hinted that I should work with him at home more. I was a bit insulted cause I do work with him at home. Over break not so much focus true but it was Christmas time! Already though we are showing signs of he does not want to do his homework and messes around when I try to help him and go over his words. Perhaps we just need to get back in the routine of things and all will calm into place. I want to have hope that this year will be a better year and I can give my son what he needs...though I am already I want him to have a less worried momma.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Happy 2010!


Happy 2010 all! Whew the holidays are over. I am very ready for school to start again. I love my son dearly but I'm running low on steam and ideas to entertain him. (One of his joys is oddly watching me play Sims2). It is my fault for staying up late knowing my son gets up at 5 am stating he is hungry...well its now gotten to the point its whining. I have tried to sneak in some work after Christmas but he was just not having that wanting Mommy all to him and to play. Be I could not help but oblige him all he wanted was to play with his Mommy. He deserved it too for he was a great trooper during the writing of my book.


Its been a long winter break but we did have fun playing in the snow we got, playing knights and pirates, video games, eating yummy foods. I know Ive packed on a few extra pounds and I have not done my work outs. Monday is back to school and no more sleeping in. Though I really didn't get to sleep much in anyway, but I tried though. Near the end of our winter break ie today I realize my child really does talk too much. Here's to the New Year!