This Thanksgiving was the most dysfunctional Thanksgiving ever in the fact that we didn't really have one. Is it sad that I really did not mind? How dysfunctional is that? I'm really not looking forward to Christmas, and if I can possibly have just a little private Christmas with just me and my son that be nice. Is that cold and heartless of me? I do have family. An older sister she the only family member in my life. Our brother is MIA and her and my brother don't get along, and cousins...well they don't call and neither do we. My sister, my nephew, and brother in law are my family(and my son of course). Our Mom is gone and she and my uncle were really the glue that kept this family together. There was such love, yet we were all so messed up because nobody talked about the problems. They were like dirty little secrets that were in our family. It there a reason, or is this just genetic make up? Is this what happens when you have three kids all my different fathers? Is this just a cycle that started with our mother that is never going to end? Family is supposed to be there for you in good and bad, but that doesn't happen all the time. I have made sure to instill in my son that he can come to me no matter what and I will not judge him. Perhaps that is the problem in my family...I do not know. I do not see in myself how others see me. I know I portray myself perhaps as naive and innocent, but I'm really not. It is really hard though to convince your mother and your older sister that their little girl has grown up. For some reason I do not think they want me to fly. Sister dear do you want me to fly? Why do you then clip me with your tight harsh words. You know what our mother did to me. That is why you got out of the house for you knew what our mother was like, yet you didn't warn me what our mother could be like. 8 years I lived with the verbal abuse and controlling and you even contributed Mom always was protecting me from you. What is the secret I do not know? Why do you all feel that I cannot fly? I often wondered if you hated me. I often wonder how do you truly see me?
I worked hard in trying to heal and get over what my mother did to me. I seriously did not know how to function in society my mother has sheltered me and protected me from it all. At 25 I was like the mindset of a 18 year old...hell maybe 16 year old. I was lucky though to have some sort of eerie old world wisdom to me that I should not of had, but I did. I was doing well until I lost my job then it all went to hell. I was paying all our utilities plus a rent fee you could say. So my sister had it pretty good. I paid for hers and my electric and water and garbage. Now I am jobless and she is having to do this all on her own now. While it seems that it's kind of fair play I mean I took care of the bills for how long, and now little sister is down-in-out it seems all good, but it is not fair for she does have the whole mortgage to pay now. There is so many hidden reason as to why this is. It is both my fault as much as hers. I was weak and let her words hurt me, and she saw I was weak and used those words to hurt me. Instead of working together we worked against each other. Oh we tried to work together but we are just so opposite that it just does not work. I do not understand how her mind works, and she does not understand how my mind works. Plus the way my mind works seems to totally piss her off. I am trying to do things my way though, yet I guess I still have this innocent naivety in me that posses people to think I cannot function on my own. I'm though tired of trying to be controlled and told how I should do it, and even where I should work. That worked out soooo well at my last job I worked at which I was told I should apply to though I was TOTALLY unqualified for, and lied a bit to get it. That was one of the reasons I was on the layoff list is because 1. I sucked at it, and 2. My chronic back issue came into play. Our course to sister dear thinks I'm just being lazy and I need to go get a job. How does she know this? Is she in my body? Yes she is one tough cookie with an apparent high pain threshold, well good for her. Still she is not in my body so how does she know my pain is nothing and I'm lazy? She constantly tells me I'm lazy and worthless so I'm just being as she tells me I guess. Mom did a bit of the same thing to the point I got brainwashed and believed it. I thought I got past all that, but when she started throwing that all back at me I regressed, I freaked. Now I am what is being said about me and I do not want to be and I know I am not. Instead of yelling at me why not talk to me ask me what is wrong with your back lets look up some doctors that you can go to to figure out what the heck is wrong. I mean come on sister you know mother coddled me to no end and yes I am a bit simple when it comes to the outside world and how to do things. So you like to think yourself superior and better than me and you like that I apparently NEED you and I cannot leave without you. So help me get better or do you LIKE that I need you? Could you handle a world without your little sister?
My sister threaten to get my blog and comment that I'm full of crap about being a single mom and all alone. She wanted props for helping since I've been jobless, and yes she has helped and does not let me forget it. Well I have done an unmentionable for her, yet I do not ask for a single thing from her. I could hold this over her head and blackmail her, and ruin her. She was family so I did it and I do not expect any praise, nor do I expect anything in return. She apparently does want credit and props cause she is just awesome constantly putting me down, yet then being so great by buying my son things that he needs a cause I can not. I'm tired of the silence, but I'm not sure I can express it cause no one like to face the truth. My truth is probably all wrong and I'm still a whiny little snob, and we still got Christmas to survive again in hurtful words and silence.
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